Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

i want your words in my fucking ears
and i want your hands in dirty places
I want you to throw me across the room
and nurse my wounds
i want you to hit me
I want your aggression
your anger
i want your fear
your saddness

I want to know your bad side
the side to not spit across

I want you to see my

and i want a hug, too.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I hate you

I hate you
I hate how you left me
I hate how you let me forget you
i hate how you didn't try
i hate how you didn't care
I hate how you replaced me

I don't hate you

i hate you

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Her smile was enough
she was
it was
my birthday gift.

Oh she held out her arm
her boobooed arm
and I got to
kiss is better


He has his own bug
that crawls up my fingers to my heart
latches itself on and
doesn't let go
His bug is welcomed,
because it makes me smile
and it
tells me it loves me
makes me feel okay
and I love him
I love him and his little bug for everything that they are
they are perfect
and belong
right there together,
right there with me

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

It's my birthday

I am

Pretend to care.

So maybe it is true,

but you still don't know why it is.
Angry? yes
Bitter? occasionally
hypocritical? hardly ever
need to watch my tongue? stop being such a nun
self restraint? Yeah, it's called not holding anything back. and it's working just fine for me 

She doesn't know shit about me. "Bestfriend"

"You've been a totally different person for a long time. No offence. You are very bitter and angry. Extremely hypocritical . Try thinking nice thoughts or control your tongue. I mean I am not a saint, but I have some self restraint in my words. You'd be wise to learn some. Harsh - yeah, but maybe you needed that."


stay the fuck away from me tomorrow. I don't want you to even look at me.
It's my birthday and what I wish for is for you to not judge me on what you don't fucking know.


make up your
god damn
'I don't give a fuck'
mind about me
I am so tired of your behavior.
You are a girl I swear.
You are hidden
and I can see that.
But please stop throwing me around your life

you thought of me
when you sent me that IM
you thought of the words you wanted to type out when you clicked on my name

maybe you do care


I would like that,
even though I'm supposed to hate you.
I went blond
this is me
this is
just how I am
I feel this picture just
captures me in my environment.

I like to be calm. I like to be chill. 

I hate you

You whore
you user
and I just.. I just let you.
You told me not to tell,
but who is telling now?
It must be you.
only you.
why else would I be getting questions


You did not get what you wanted
and now
you hate me


I was happy being your friend
I was happy
you teasing me without knowing
I was happy
when you put your head next to mine
and when you
sat close to me when we watched TV
i was happy when you told me I was
I liked you trusting me
I liked you liking me
I like you showing yourself to me
I liked revealing myself to you

but you changed how you wanted me to see you.
You did.
but I still saw the real you
and you HATE it
and you hate me

And I started hating you when you tried to use me for sex, then throw me away.


and I lost you.

You are a WHORE.
and I

Get the fuck used to it
get the fuck out

show me your real side

You have nothing to prove to me

I want you

Do you not understand that?

I want our friendship,

Just don't
touch me again.
I'm laying here
next to my bed
I'm afraid to look under it
I feel like a beautiful woman is under there,
reaching out her smooth hand
to dig her sharp fingernail into my soft neck
she wants to watch the light go out in my eyes
she wants to watch my soul leave this world,
and travel to another
she wants to be the reason people cry and hurt
she wants to rub off her blood stained hands on my cold body.
There has always been a reason women wear their nails red, they're secrete killers

Monday, October 24, 2011

I am


What if you danced how I wanted?

his hands gently placed on her hips
with hers laced behind his head
it was wrong
she could promise it
he was the someone else
she looked to him and blushed
this was new
he had a this thing
his charm
his shape
his smell
hell, his one dimple
their bare feat were warm against her carpet 
her dad wasn't home
and they didn't go to school
they just danced
she would lay her head on his chest and take him in
he would place his hand on her back,
lead in to kiss her head
she'd breath out loud
and try to enjoy the moment that wouldn't last forever
she would think of how things would change
he would bring her back to right then with his lips
bring her in close 
hold her
care for her as she cared for him
he didn't care about forever
or even the next day
he was exactly what she wanted, exactly what she could have, exactly what she didn't get.

what if I did

what if I danced with you
how you wanted
all along
what if I said yes
and gave you me
like you wanted

what if you became sometime more,
and made me less?

Would you still talk to me
Would you still enjoy me

Would I still be this person you worked me up to be, 
and would I still see your soft side?

What if I did.
Would you still be an asshole to me.
Would you?

I've just been horrible is all

I wish i had a phone or something that I could just record everything on
i want to just get all my feelings out right when they're happening
sometimes writing just isn't fast enough

I've simply been horrible by being a gigantic bitch lately
to my friends
to my exboyfriend
to my affair man [or whatever you call the person you cheated on someone with]

I've done horrible things
and kept secretes and feelings in

now spill,

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

truth is..

go fucking kill yourself
all of fucking you

Truth is...
go fucking fuck yourself.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

what if someone stripped you of your ears
of your speech

would you still tell that you hate the world
would you still convince those of the bad
would you use your hands for your hatred

Could you dance the sorrow of your heart?
would you fill people with your tears?

What if you could only speak in one tone?

what if you could not feel the touch of others skin?
would you still reach out to touch another?

Would you stand alone,
in the middle of a crowd,
and watch another soul do what you cannot?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

This time I'm for real

Maybe this time around I'll show you who I am
"if you really knew me"
If you knew me,
you would know
that you don't really know me
because I don't really know me

I'm back

did anyone miss me?

Monday, October 3, 2011

School is getting...
people are staring more
and laughing..
i don't understand why they laugh
why they use laughing for pain
it's supposed to mean happiness

Why do they hurt me with their high jabs?
Why do they hurt me with their laugh?

Why do they hate me? what did I do?
what did I do to deserve these nasty stares and mean laughs..


Sunday, October 2, 2011


plants prune,
and you have to pluck off the bad parts, right?

take that, right there.
and remove.
right now.
tear them off
get rid of your bad
your unwanted

200th - her name is Courtney

I wanted to make my 200th post special, mean something to me I guess, I wrote this the other day in my German class, it's not finished. It probably never will be.

She flows like water,
beautiful in her step,
while her hair falls and twists.
It's wild of her way,
like her touch, I'm sure
She glides through her world,
feeling pain and love
sometimes lost, but sometimes she is found.
With a smile that is rare,
she does not fake
but as it comes to lift her face,
it takes mine with hers
For that moment we can share happiness
shat that power
she doesn't know my thoughts
and emotions
of her
of the poetry that is her
of the inspiration that is her
I imagine she smells of mist,
like perfume and water mixed to create what is her.
she used my jacket that she adores
I thought it might have smelled like her
It didn't
like it sat on the floor by her bed,
unloved once home,
once in comfort
It wasn't with her and neither was I
wonder if she could choose me
If I could feel enough
be enough,
to be some part of her
of her unique stance
of that attitude that is refreshing and new
I want to know how she views the world
ho she takes in people
where she feels her passion
what she views of dreams
I wonder what she sees in the mirror
how she sees me
I adore her

Thursday, September 29, 2011

the changes

I always feel so inspired and changed,
like I just want to start over
and over

But I never fucking go anywhere.

and if I do, it's only for a short while

yes, i change

i just
its not enough
it's not full
i always just


 And I'm so sick of going back and feeling regret and pain and saddnes.  I just feel like im gone to


Wednesday, September 28, 2011


ive made a habit of sitting on my bed after i shower with my hair dripping wet and my skin still smooth.
it's calming just being human, do you understand?
i can just lay naked absorbed in thoughts, pushing away the world outside my locked door.
It has been raining the past four days and with every day I just feel worse and worse.
Today I cracked. I melted away.
all the anger and saddness combined into hot flowing tears, i needed to sob and yell and be as loud as I could.
But I couldn't.
I just..went into my bathroom and was as silent as possible.
I don't want to say this but really it was very...businesslike..like it seems all my actions are these days
get in get out forget forget forget forget get over it get over it.
i feel stripped of things on the inside -naked -bare-
I just feel so different. 
like every pair of eyes I look into will never understand.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I tried

you didn't call. you didn't say why. you didn't call me. you didn't tell me why. you didn't tell me.
Remember when we used to tell each other EVERYTHING?
when we woke up, when we ate breakfast, when we got out of the shower, when we got home from some place.
We were perfect stalkers of each other and I loved it and I hated it . I hated not having anything to myself. Never having room to plan with friends or just have a day to my family. Week by week we planned, you planned.
I love how every one of those days together were special,
but I wish I would've made time for friends, would have picked up the phone to call my exbestfriend.
But now I have way too much space and I want it filled with you.
I wonder how you would fill into my new life.
You used to be my life, the solid mass that things would be filled around, but now you would be doing the filling, and I'd be my own solid mass, standing strong and doing my own thing.
I wish we could have been more laid back,
I wish you wouldn't have been so afraid we wouldn't have enough time for us. It ruined it, It ruined my social life and the friendships with almost all of my friends.
Because That's what I wanted, I wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with me, and that just happened to be all the time.
It was amazing
The only thing I would change is how I felt about everyone but you.
I wish I would've held onto them.
Because everyone was right,
once you left I was going to be left with no one wishing I would've called my friends every few days.

But now I'm changed.
I am all my different faces and masks, I am my inside outside up-side-down backwards forwards.
I am learning to drive and babysitting every Friday.
I am spending my days reading or off having adventures with Ian or Janea or my bestfriend.
I am squealing over gossip and catching up on everything.
I'm checking out the guy in math class, and the other guy in there too.

I am looking every where and thinking of you-only you.
I am remembering more and more of the little things every day.
I remember like you're dead-or dying.
Like you are a "was" instead of an "is"
I know you are not dead, I know I get to see you in a little over a month, and that you are the voice on the other end of the calls that come on random day that come around 10:53 each time. That's always the time I see on the clock before You call a few minutes after,
like you were supposed to call yesterday,
like you were supposed to call this weekend,
like you promised you would call this weekend because You had plenty of free time.

Waiting and giving up makes me explode inside.
like all my clothes are too tight and I can breath.
I fucking hate that.
and it keeps happening over and over.
I just want us back in each others lives.
fucking a.
oh well, I already told you I understand when you get busy you can't do anything about it.
I hope you were busy.
Because I've been checking my phone all weekend waiting

The last day of junior high

On my last day of Junior High I was a total badass,
I wore a cape to school and danced everywhere.
There was this chick in my math class who just hated the fuck out of me so I got realll close to her, then turned around to face my friends, got their attention,
turned back at the bitch, pointed at her face and watched her crumple with embarrassment and maybe even fear as I song "I want it that way" by the backstreet boys to her.
It was one of the most amazing days of my life.
I love making great exits.

you decide

saturday I was changed,
i was three different people
I started of my day late, and walked up to the skate park.
Dressed up in my black tanktop, person number one.
I sat against the fence and yelled and nodded at my friends that were skating.
I put one knee up and looked at it, and I kind of giggled, asking myself
"When did I become the girl sitting in a skate park with friends, wearing purple fishnets under ratty jeans, looking like i don't give a damn?"
I guess it just happened really.
I can be anyone.
That evening I changed in to person number two,
the babysitter.
Pretty blue tank top under a clean sweatshirt, with nice slacks on.
I colored and fed them apples, read the little girls stories, tucked them in.
Who would believe I was Person number one after that?
At home I became Person number three, the roll I play often.
Snuggling under my blankets in my pajama pants, make up and everything still on, reading a book late into the night.
I think person three is a good one,
she likes her alone time and her books, but she also makes room for friends
person two concentrates on being a role model, doing things right, by the rules, being acceptable
person number one is probably my favorite though, she roames alone, until she wants to be bothered, she wears what she wants and doesn't care if anyone stares at her dark make up while she sits in the skate park reading incredibly girly books with pink covers and the name
Sarrah Dessen 
painted over the top

I love one and three, but two makes the cash, so I gotta keep her around.
Oh well, Two is chill sometimes.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I..I take it back

The last post, about not wanting to wait for anyone.
there is no need to give up.
there's always light at the end of the tunnel
(unless it's a German poem, then it's a tunnel that goes on for a very long time and eventually you are dead)
I told my bestfriend something, a little piece of my heart.
I said
"I know I have my crushes and everything, but some 'cute guy in math class' is nothing compared to Kyle. I love him, I feel like it's just always gonna be Him, ya know?"
and it made me think of Ian, and how many times I've said that to him, just in other ways
"I love being around you Ian, but it's always going to be Kyle. It just is"
And he was forced to understand that,
that I didn't want him. I want Kyle, and I'm always going to want Kyle.
Because he's just....him.
I can't explain it.
He's the name that scratches at my brain, my thoughts, he's the one that creeps to my mouth.
He's the smile I can trust,
the hands that I can hold.
He's my Kyle
my little gift, to hold in the palm of my hand,
to hold next to my heart.
He's the titleless title

and we're perfect

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Post Finished Book

And today I've had a line going through my head,
"strictly business"

Mostly it was on the subject of relationships.
Like Marriage. 
and I was thinking about Dan, he's just too old for me.
at least until my birthday next month.
And I'm not waiting a month just so I can feel okay with myself.
So I'm forgetting about it. We wouldn't have worked out.
I'll break it to him, somehow. The "before this begins I'm ending it" speech.

So I'm not doing that again.

I'm just going to try to be a High School Girl.
how it's supposed to be.
No long-term thinking, planning, waiting.
Only strictly business - - - or ''teenage business'' more like

I'm going to somehow end up with a date to homecoming, because I'm not being left out of that shit again.
I'm just gonna wing it - just not plan.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

you just be drunk


You are ruining yourself, day. by. day. I get up from my bed to hear the dogs going nuts.
you are laying outside in the rain in the grass
you won't respond
you won't move
I can't help you
I went and got mom, and you
you smiled
I kicked your side and called you an asshole.
and went inside.
So much for caring
soon later you stumble up our stairs awhile later'
you come inside
and fall against the door and wall

You just sit there and be drunk Cousin,
with that new bandage on your wrist, 
and your 3rd missing phone.
You sit there and be drunk
I'm tired of helping
I'm done caring.
and bang your head at the wall as you are.

and this is going to my conversation tomorrow with my bestfriend about dan

"So how was yesterday?"

"It didn't happen.
he was taking forever to talk to me
and once he did, he had to leave,
then he didn't talk to me after that.
mind you I didn't have his number at the time, or my physco ass woulda been calling him.
so he signed on facebook like an hour after he said he'd be right back, and I was waiting for him to talk to me me
but he didn't
so I sent him an instant message saying
'I guess we're not doing anything today then'
and he said something about
giving him an hour
and oh yeah
my mom doesn't want me going over there yet, because she doesn't know if he's a creep or not.
so he wanted to hang out or
go on a date
or whatever we were supposed to be doing
at like
and my mom likes me to be home at 9 on weekdays.
so I told him some other time.
and then I found out the hour was him
video games
with his bro
I said it was fine when he said to not take it personally.
but really?
who chooses videogames over a girl?
like damn.
and that's my story"

"Oh wow"

please don't blow me off

you skipper
you're going to leave before you are even here

I know this feeling.

It's rejection.

or it's distraction. you're supposed to talk to me now
about our 'plans'
plans that start in an hour and a half.

Oh gosh,
please don't blow me off.
it'll be a direct blow to this little soul

Don't you do that

don't you sit there with your judging eyes
don't you dare cross your arms and look at me as a monster
No, I don't look up,
no I don't say anything.
I can feel your eyes.
your hatred.
why hate me?
why hate this stranger you do not even know?
Don't you dare judge me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

feelin in the dumps

I just keep thinking about Kyle.
about what we were, about what we had. about how long we were an Us and everything that it was and meant.
Recently I haven't been ignoring his ex girlfriends from forever ago and figured out they were pretty freakin cool

but that just brings on all the memories
and it makes me real fucking sad.

It's like he's not real anymore, like he's just a guy in pictures.
a person from my best memories.
I miss the piss out of him,
and it hurts sometimes.
I mean, I LOVE being all flirty with guys and stuff.
But if I could have him as I did, they wouldn't even matter.
If I had him like I did, no one would matter

anyone else I'm keeping my little eye on.

My Kyle matters.

My Kyle just doesn't exist anymore.

I miss him.

Monday, September 12, 2011

the question of the day is WHERE

where is my bearded dragons heat lamp?
why is there always something missing when I get to my moms?

Where is my phone? I think I left it in my bookbag..

Where was Dan?
I missed his company.

Where have I been mentally? GodDamn.
There are so many worthy guys in my classes for me to attach myself to.
There's this one though
Tristan .
He is adorable with his facebeard, and I think he's only a year older than me, so that's a record.
I think he may be into me too ;)
I have his number now.

I move on easily after I decide, and moving on from Kyle is getting better and better

I love being fully single, no strings to anyone.

Nothing is ever simple


god dayum.

Home life is tough. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Just...well say hello to..

He is on my thoughts. a lot

I said to him
"you're some kind of something."

then he replied
"I'm the best kind of something "

I'll get more into him later...
right now I just really wanted to say that.
This is the point when I say
Nice and slow, and broken off. Just as it was typed.
Feel it.
You don't care anymore and that is just fine.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


I'm mad  at You.
a few of my Yous, actually.

fuck You,
call me allready

fuck you
why ignore me after last nitghs chat

fuck both of you.

Friday, September 9, 2011

im dying

tonight I'll do it.
ill just fall into death,
as I fall into bed
and they won't notice
my family. my friends. all the people.
I'm just going to disappear.
no one will know.
no one will mind much.
i'll be another sad memory
my school will make a small announcement
the people who cared will wonder how they didn't do enough.

No body fucking did enough.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

my block

I miss my laptop, and i want my house back. I hate having to be at Dads.
I just wish our water would turn back one so mom wouldn't have to feel so shitty.
Monday. Monat, I believe, in German. I'm really enjoying German this year.
I'm finally not falling asleep or laughing too much at him. Let's put it this way.
We have to learn a dance to go along with a poem. He practices before school.
Herr Hunt is a very funny man. I think he just needs some more love.
He loves me and my older sisters. Though they are more smart. That's tough..
Living in the shadow of two smart ladies. Being called by their name daily.
The new friends/people are a blast. I never thought it was possible for me.
But I'm fitting in just find with a few people who enjoy having me around.
School is turning out to be way better than I planned. Other then the bus.
They are packed three to a seat. 6thgraders-highschoolers. It's ridiculous.
Boys are being incredible horn-balls. I just want some friends, not dicks.
It feels like everyone but a few are males that I talk to. It's better that way,
less drama. I'm going to go now. I'm bored with my block right now...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

After School.

I got home to find a man at our door not 5 minutes later.
He told me that our water was being shut off.
I didn't know what to think,
Cousin pushed passed me and was talking to him,
he felt so guilty, the man.
His voice trembled when he said it.
maybe it was my eyes,
he might have seen how I wasn't a bad person.
Maybe he thought we were a decent family and didn't deserve it.
But he said it was just his job,
and if we paid had nothing to do with him.
I felt bad for the man,
having to take something away from a family.
But we filled our bath tub up with water so we could brush our teeth and flush the toilet.
The water should be back on soon.
I hope.
When mom got home she walked in while I was on the phone with
He came over
we had our smiles,
and ran into people.
like we always do with him. -.-
and walked around with them.

I only knew of the guy,
he was at least 6 feet tall and was bone skinny.
blonde hair
with a smile that proved he had braces for a long time.
Your lips get stuck thinking there's something to smile around.
He was amazing looking.
with his ripped jeans and blue and black plaid shirt,
poor style.
The best style,
not brand new shit.
But shit that looks nice when faded.

Then there was his girlfriend,
(one of) Kyles ex girlfriend.
or how ever she spells it.
she was a short skinny wonder with jet black hair with a bandana tied around her small head.

She had a sister along with her too,
who was on the search for her boyfriend.
She was chunky,
with flipflops.
but was generally happy.
She liked me.

They all liked me.

They all smoked,
and I don't smoke.
It gets a little awkward denying it so many times in a row.

after them we came back to my house to eat.
We had to warm up the food but he didn't - which was weird.
why would he not?
I did to show him that it's not out of the ordinary around here.
Maybe he feared he would catch Poor.

We sat in my room for hours.
Spilled secretes and untold things.
listened to music
expressed emotions.

It's bad,
because he wants me too.
But it's always going to be Kyle.
he said that tears him up inside,
because he got to me before him,
and his insanity let me go.
That's when he wasn't on pills.
That means he meant the things he said when he was drunk.
They were real.
He said he liked our kiss.
and wanted another one.
I told him that I didn't like tongue in my mouth,
that there's stages.
He laughed and said
"well that's good to know. But I was drunk!"

I helped him achieve a life goal of kissing a girl with braces.

When he had to go I held on real tight,
so did he.
I pushed up against him so It was everything.
We stood there holding each other.
I didn't want it to stop.
I love the feel of his hugs.
It's like the worlds pain melts away.
I moved my head down into his shoulders.
Almost into his neck.
To get the full affect.
Then we let go.
and he walked out the door.

Like last time.

I just hope he doesn't leave again.


the bus filled with too many people
there's boys in front of me, who always blast Hollywood Undead and I always sing along under my breath.
the girls next to me are afraid of not fitting in and don't smell normal.
The strange girl in the front is tall, with badly dyed blue hair.
Someone threw a thermos at her,
it hit her head and she
stood up,
anger and hate covering her face and said something intimidating like
"Who the fuck threw that?! seriously what the fuck who fucking threw that?!"
As if she would pounce on the person that did.
shoot her hate from her dagger eyes.
tear the person to shreds with words.
I would have cried if I was her.
pointless hurt stings.

at school was okay.
I was excited to get back to German.
I met a new person,
who knew no one.
I believe I was one of the first friends from here.
He's in my third hour,
which also makes him in my lunch.
In math he sits behind me,
in lunch right next to me.
I like his company.
I feel once he warms up to people he'll be once of those hidden treasures.
Those skinny jeans boys.
He liked me too,
I could tell once he didn't shake off given the chance.
He'll stick around.

Today I felt paranoid,
I feared my zipper on my pants was down even though I knew it wasn't.
Every time my name was called I feared people thinking
"oh I've heard of her, she a bitch
she's weird
she hangs out with so and so and he's weird
she dated this person
she's the teachers pet
she's never around people"
I feared them connecting my name to an assumption.
a label.
even some are true.

I am Christina.
I am not Christina the Bitch, Christina Who Was Dating Kyle, Christina the Weirdo.
I'm just Christina,
Fucking Christina.
NOT "Julies little sister"
But I can't help their thoughts.

I almost got sick at the sparks of interests I saw in nearly all my Guy friends.
My bestfriend did say I looked pretty cute though.
I'm glad,
because I didn't try.
I just wore my favorite sweater
pulled my hair back
let my bangs hang out.
had a touch of mascara on.
Just the way I like,
little makeup and comfort showing the soul.
I was just myself.

In some classes I didn't know anyone though,
and that kinda bombs.
But that's okay.
That means I get to be left alone sometimes.

School is going to be good.
I'll balance well.

Monday, September 5, 2011

the soul

I feel it coming out with every sentence
every bit of me
It's coming out,
the hatred, care, the thoughts
to everyone and anyone
every piece of clothing
every movie watched
book read
I'm forming and changing.

I've formed favorite words.
They are :
timid eyes

I love them all.
They describe me.
they're my life.

Zanna is a hidden beauty

the way she understands under her skin

from the two that don't mean much

I'm listening to this song because Boy1 gave me the songs of the entire album,
it's his favorite band
he loves the message
the voice
the lyrics.
I like it because he does
Boy1 is something out of a movie.
he was put here to make me wonder and question.
but then I have this game the Boy2 gave to me
I liked it because I could scream at losing
I like it because he spends a lot of his time on it,
at least the time in which he gets to chose what he wants to do

I like having these things.
just because they enjoy them.

It's like they both gave me a piece of their soul with out even knowing.

I like being able to see into people,
using things they willingly gave me

I like to know how people enjoy and spend their lives.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

now after 3 weeks

I finally got to talk to Kyle.
our voices together..magic.
I told him about my dream, and he just said
"it's funny to hear I'm running away now when before your dreams of us were happy ones"
he accused me of having emotional problems.
insecurities I suppose
I told him he was right.

He said
"you know in a few days it'll be what? 10 monthes? i can't count..what is it?"
I choked. I stopped breathing. I stammered.
I said
"I..I didn't think we were together...this whole summer I've just been thinking we were technically broken up"
and he's been fucking sitting there counting the months.
but he took that light heatedly and agreed.
he said we didn't have to count the two months.
I said
"we can.. I'd just be a really bad girlfriend if so"
"how bad? like on a scale of 1 to 10?"
"I don't know, 11, I feel horrible. I feel so guilty."
"it's complicated, i didn't want to. I don't want to talk about it"
"we promised we wouldn't hold anything back from eachother"
"do you..do you remember Aaron from our bus? well he came over, and starting telling me all this emotional stuff and started crying and we.....kissed and stuff.."
"And stuff?"
"We just kissed, it was nothing more"
"it's okay"
"I'm so sorry Ky, I feel so horrible."
"why did you kiss him?"
"I thought if I tried someone new it would stop me from feeling so lonely"

He told me that I should live my life how I wanted to, to not let him hold me back. but that he'd love to be in my life.
he said
"You know why we broke up, those few things. I was fucking crazy and worried about losing you, and I'd be gone. not there. I'm still not there Christina, that still hasn't changed. The reasons still haven't changed. I'm a different person now. this place has changed me. I'm still myself but I'm changed."
the way he kept saying he wasn't here
I cried
i didn't let him know that tears were falling down my cheek, getting the phone wet, falling on my thighs.
I just said
"why does that have to matter?"
"It does matter. it matters to you."
"It did"

It's like he doesn't realize that I just want him.
I told him over and over
I only want him
it's always been him
I only love him
I've only loved him. always.

It's like he's trying to scare me away from a relationship.
Like he thinks the distance will get rid of the way I feel.

I only need his voice
his love.

After tonight I just wonder if he still needs me.

I wonder

if anyone else yearns for the silence after having family over
or just any time really
If they wait, 
and plan
just for that perfect moment of just themselves. 
Just me. 
me and a book
a notebook
my laptop
a movie.
I crave the loneliness,
but when it stays too long I get sad
it stops being my warm blanket,
or my big sweatshirt  
it stops being those few moments of just me and the music.
It turn into 
When will they care?
do I matter?
did I ever matter?
it stops being the happiness of alone,
and turns into the sadness of that lack of drive
it begins to burn the edges of the best of me,
that can only be put out with love.
it starts the anger
the frustration of myself
of everyone around me
Does anyone understand?
will they?
I don't even understand.
I start to feel anxious.
did i send the right letter?
should I have said that?
when will they come? the people? 
is there something wrong with me?
when will I find someone to share in the oddness?
what happened to me?
when did I lose it?
when did I take it back?
is it back?
i think it's back
as I am
I'm back.
I'm okay
the inner me is out
the messy hair
"I don't give a damn" attitude is there
a little of the care,
and love
it back.
But I'm still stuck in the middle of good and bad lonely 
I'm still anxious and think bad thoughts
but I'm more calm,
more accepting of where I am and where I'll be.
I guess I'm just



in my dream

you were at school
you came back
and when i saw you I went running
we hugged and kissed
you let go
but I kept kissing you
I stopped when you did
and You had to get back to soccer practice or whatever you were doing
later that day
i went to your house,
your mom was there and at first she didn't welcome me in but then later we had some fun
catching up
she asked if I'd seen you lately
because she hadn't
I thought it was weird that you didn't go home
where were you then?
and why did you keep our hello so short?

plus one

he said
all deserve to die
I told him no,
because I didn't want to leave yet
he said I was a person + 1
so that means I don't have to die

his friendship is not a friendship.
it's just two people talking.
but I like how he welcomes me in his life
how I'm "on his side"
how I don't count as a person,
because I'm better than that.

I'm held high
in a way.
like there is some hidden part of me that he can see and I can't
maybe its just out there though
maybe the inner part of me is not so hidden anymore,
and people are catching on.

but why now?
why the interest now?

Saturday, September 3, 2011

im not sure if its strange or not

so i realized I haven't been posting on my blog a lot
but i don't have to anymore.

Because I'm not keeping these things a secrete anymore
im finding ways to say it
people to say it to
I don't have to bottle up everything now
it seems like people are starting to care more I guess
or maybe I'm just getting better at keeping friendships.
maybe its that, i have a few friends now that I talk to often.

I bet ill be back and posting all the time once school starts up though in a few days.
i dunno.
i guess i just dont feel complete unless I post on my blog.

even though I don't think anyone watches my words.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

rule of life

when you're being secretive, don't play dumb when someone catches on. You'll just look stupid. Let them know as though you are proud and don't hold anything back.

its sadness

it's overpowering
my heart bursted
waves of hurt
or longing
of love
are pouring out.
the pain


I want to be there

I want to lead against him
hold him
kiss the lips that are meant to be mine

I miss
I miss..

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

the past few days..

I've been a little busy.
I've been shopping,
I've been talking one the phone more.
Spending more time with one of my sisters.

I made cookies,
and couldn't help but smile through the whole process.

Baking makes me so happy.
my whole family knows this.
My sister calls me the Fairy when ever she sees me pulling out the flour,
It's the Baking Fairy, for short.
It's been given to me after we realized I was the only one of the three sisters who could bake
I'm actually the only one with a few more things,
the ability to understand trends and fashion (although I normally don't follow)
makeup, sadly the other two have no clue how to properly use makeup
those two along with baking makes me a pretty good Girl.

I've also spent more time reading,
once down at a local park.
I was sitting on top of a play tube when I looked around and realized  people would and will be looking at me.
It made me wonder if any of them were jealous.
Jealous of the girl sitting and reading all on her own, with her own way of getting there and leaving, with no desire to talk to any of the the eyes that were peering at her.
I bet there was at least one person jealous of the position I could put myself in.
One, if anything.
With good reason too, I'm very happy with my life right now.

And it's about to get a lot better this weekend, when I can start hanging around Ian again.
and even more so in a few weeks time when I can talk to Kyle more - even webcam each other.
Not to mention school starts in a week, where I will have to stay focused.

Things are just really really looking up.
I have a reason to smile - to wake up in the morning.
Everything is going to be okay.
It was always meant to be okay.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Where are you?

I am here,

I'm not sure what to do now that Ian is coming back. With him not wanting to forget the other night and me being famous for speaking my mind I'm not sure were we are going to be.
Can I handle being alone with him in his car?
what about walking close in the mall? or watching a movie at his house?
he has a thing for turning off the lights then.

Will we be able to find a normal that suits us? or will we go back to not talking so often?

Our lifestyles don't exactly clash, but that's what makes it fun.
we make each other smile

We help fill the others void too. It's been said in many ways but not straight out.
things are just okay around each other. We have that shoulder to cry on while having that person to laugh with.
Our friendship is a beautiful thing.
I love it.

We don't judge each other,
and anything from spending the night while moms gone
to painting our nails,
is just a part of our relationship.

I can tell him things not a lot of people care to listen to,
and he can tell me the little things his heart whispers.
Questions are always answered truthfully, and we both have lots, well me more than him.
I like knowing his inside.

things will be better once he gets a girlfriend, because he goes through those like I go through books.
Some times it takes a long time to read, some times only a few days.
and it will be better once I talk to Kyle.
The title behind the feelings will make it easier to explain him to not only Ian but every one else who says
"so I know it was a while back but what ever happened to you and Kyle??"
then I'm all. derp. awkward sentence. explaining love. derp. something about letters. derp. something about my mistakes and more awkward then more love then lastly derp.
when I really just want to say
"we broke up for the summer, but now we're back in action! bow chicka wooow wooow" or something like that to switch to other things.

having Ian back is going to be great, he's one of the males I crave time around. there is only a few.
I think it's the lack of a brother, and how I always wanted an older one.
I have two older sisters that I don't talk about really, but I'm very close to one of them.
I love her. I'd do almost anything to keep her safe.

It's been bugging me because I want to tell Ian that I love him.
But it's not in the romantic way, it's in the "I care a lot about you" Kind of way.
like a bestfriend, but more then that.

I guess you could say it's complicated

Friday, August 26, 2011

things are looking up

ian is coming back
i get to talk to Kyle more
I am closer with GamerBoy
mom got a good check so
i got to get calling back on my phone
i have new clothes
school is soon.

im just, excited.
I dream of him by night while he dreams of me by day

he drives me insane when I keep him sane

we have different views

I am all him while he is not always all me

i think more logically with our relationship,
and I am in charge
he gets to choose when to talk,
and when to see each other

it always worked out.

We were almost never the same but somehow always gave good feedback, and never took the other down for something.
there was always love and never false or forced care.
we had respect.
we had eachother,
and his blankets to lay underr
his roof to sit on
the mall to go to
movies to see
my couch to sit on
our mouths and minds to talk
his games to keep us to appear not doing something wrong, because we could sit there and talk fr hours.
or not talk.
just sit there, lie there. 
holding each other
or just holding hands.
Or he would be on top of me,
or me on him,
and we would be having fun that way.
everywhere and anywhere.
how I would scratch into his back, and be amazed with him at the blood.
how I would always make noises, and he would count, and get more turned on with every time.
and those times webcaming, i think that counts as sexting or something.
We were really good at being teenagers,
but we were really good at being friends, being able to go on walks and talk for hours.
always finding something to laugh at.
He would call me every night to say goodnight, if I had not called him. even when he was at a friends
or I was
and we hadn't talked all day that day,
or all weekend
we would say goodnight.every night.and we did. for the 7 months I got to be with him before the Army became his new girlfriend.
We knew it was love from day one,
it was unspoken but we both knew,
and he knew I need to wait to say it.
too soon might be too much.
He said it after he finished singing a song for me,
took my hands and said
"I love you"
I looked into his eyes, and for the first time I said 
"I love you"
it was beautiful.
He wouldn't like it when I called him beautiful, but it was true.
From his jaw line to his busty shoulders to his thin waist and muscular back.
He was the definition of sexy to me. as I was right back to him.
it was amazing how attracted we were to each other.
I loved his horrible hair days and nonmatching outfits as much as he loved my pale makeupless face of winter.
we were Gold.
we are chained at the heart,
and no saw can cut through
he is my Home, no matter the distance
no matter my thoughts of moving on
we are meant to be.

I want our title back.
I miss it more then him, I can handle the distance, but I can't seem to handle not calling him Mine.

I talked to Ian today

he told me he was coming back from wheeever the fuck he is away next weekend
and asked what we said while he was drunk

I'm super excited to have him back. I just want him in my life.
and when he asked this is how it went
"so I know we talked the other night but i don't remember what I said, what did we talk about?"
"oh i dont want to tell you that"
"we just talked about um, mutual feelings and stuff"
"mutual feelings..."
"feelings about what?"
"just never mind Ian if you don't remember then you don't need to know. i just want us to be friends"
-getting back to normal conversation-

I hope he gets over it fast.
but I wish he remembered, because I liked a lot of the things he had said.
I wonder if he meant them?
did he mean to say he only wanted me, that I make him happy?
or was that just somehow funny to him at the time, while his brain was distracted with vodka.
I never thought about that.
But I guess he's been thinking about it awhile though, because he told me a few days ago that he needed to talk to me, and that's what it was about.
I miss him, as a person.
I wish I could make him happy, but it's better for us to be bestfriends rather than date for a month and not talk or something horrible.
It's not that I fear things wouldn't work out, because I don't need to fear, I already know. He's too old for my parents to handle, and he wouldn't provide the kind of affection I would need.
And I'm not really that attracted to him,
like I could never imagine us hardcore making out or having sex.
like I could with Kyle, but we haven't got to sex yet..
virgin eyes for me.
I think I'm just going to go with Kyle. I know he's not here, but he will be eventually.
Things will work out for us.
because we're Us.

I wish heart would just answer

should I stay or should I go?

should I date him and possibly leave for another person, or should I just wait for that other interest to come

I think I'll just,

and wait.
wait for someone other then him.
kiss a person and not date.

get things on track
not be held back

but thinking of saying Goodbye again  makes me sick
and what I want right now is to see him

but I can't see him
wishing won't solve that.

love is too fragile

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I just want to say this.

dear anonymous1,
I'm sorry I said forever and lied. I'm sorry I didn't stay true with you. I'm sorry I was always afraid.
I wish you could be here. I wish I could hold you. I wish this summer never happened, and you never left me.
I wish I never had to get over you. I wish you were around. I hope we can be together in the future.

dear anonymous2,
I'm sorry I pushed you away. You have to understand the feelings I had at the time though. We couldn't be together because of my horrible guilt, and I loved him more. Not that I loved you..
I wish I still had you here with me.

dear anonymous3,
Fuck. why did you have to be so freakin interesting to me?
why do you come in the dead of night, in my time?
why did it seem like there would be something and when there wasn't?
I wish I would've had the guts to say something
I wish you would just talk to me.

dear anonymous4,
I love you. Straight out I just do. as a friend, sister, lover, brother, what ever you want. I wish I could be the one to be there. to make you happy.
But I'm so glad I have you as a friend. I'm glad we can be happy in that way.
I'm glad you never get mad at me, and always hear me out.
Thank you for always being there.


do you ever feel like you're too late?
like you completely missed someone
you didn't pick up the phone on time
you didn't care when you should have

or like me

you waited
you fucking waited for your "right time" and now it's completely gone.

I missed my chance.
and now I'm pissed.

Monday, August 22, 2011

just very disappointed

I found myself with a new face, a new person. He was cool. Our talking was casual.
I thought maybe he needed a new friend as much as me.
Maybe it was our age difference, but honestly, after this summer I don't really think guys care about my age anymore.
one was 5 years older
one was 3
this one is nearly 4

But anyways
I thought this could be the lasting thing I was looking for
someone to call and hang out with
someone to be there for me and care like I do with them.

But I guess this wasn't meant to be that.
It's a shame how trusting I am in people.
They all say they won't leave.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I made a journal

It's actually an old one, with pages ripped out and now plaid paper and green ducktape  on it.
but it's 'new' now
that's where I'm going to write now.

that's not very cool

now you having two IMs from me
from different times
is not going to look good >.>

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Look at me as more than a person.

I am a fallen angel. You are a risen demon.
We clash and trade rolls.

I speak with my timid eyes and you speak through your closed mouth

We live by night and wander by light

If I call you my Love would you call me your Mistake?
we could live like that

You last forever
take me with you

We can live in tree trunks

You can take me to your castle

Teach me what you know.

Come a little closer

Let us live

The moon is shining bright tonight,
shall we celebrate?

Or should we just stay here?

Look into my eyes. Can you see the past

I can see you, you are growing soft

You are so different.

No one has your skin.
No one has that heart

You are a beast

You teach me to be afraid

I teach you how to love

I am the beast

You learn to be loyal

I learn how to obey

Let us leave

You want to go
I don't want to stay

You are blind

I am strong

You ruin me by thought

Let us die

Your impression is kept

My mind is saved

We can leave

oh Dan

you make me smile

Friday, August 19, 2011

I wish everyone could know what I think of them

I wonder how that would turn out. I'm sure it wouldn't turn out to well. All of those ladies who have perfect legs, or all of those strange people who need to take a bath.
But it would be nice. I wouldn't have to hide feelings from anyone. Some could know how amazing they are, some could know how much of a jerk they are.
I wonder what people would think of me.
I realize that they would probably be thinking too much of themselves to have an opinion on me though.

oh there's that smile

Today has been rather enjoyable.
I got exactly what I wanted out of it and more,
and it's not even finished yet.
Oh. Wipe that smile off your face.

Move in reverse

oh I have this lyric line caught in my head.
"close your eyes. 
clear your heart.
cut the cord."
Its by The Killers, 
when ever I hear that It just makes me think about all of the things I need to let go. How If I just step back and close my eyes, my next breath will get rid of it all.

Lets start somthing

as soon as I wake up I want change.
I'm going to wake up and get things done.
Start off fresh, again.
But this time have it be a good Fresh,
a Fresh that is okay with not only myself but also others.
Happiness is formed when the people around you are pleased.
Actions that effect more than myself should now start to only be good ones.
Actions that do not give the others bad feelings.
I will now try to get back to caring instead of considerate.
Considerate is for pricks. I need to care more. That's just it.

I'll call people who I haven't talked to in awhile. I'll find pleasure in the headaches that it will give me.

I will clean my room like my father nags about, and I will do things around the house to help.

I need to just be something. I'm tired of being a nothing. I'm wasting the time I have left to be alive. I could die any day now, any year.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

who am I, really, lately?

lately I am a girl who
  • cannot sleep when she wants
  • wishes for things that are too out of reach
  • wants the past to come back
  • is lonely
  • feels the need to change her style
  • hasn't found herself fully
  • can't wait for the beginning of the school year
  • is unhappy with the present
  • needs to get a life, really.
  • spends too much time alone at the park
  • ignores her family with books
  • expects people to care about her even with her lack of trying after failing
I can't help but feel lost really.
That's isn't me.
That is not who I want to know.
That's not how I want to describe myself.

But it is me.
I am the only one who can change that.
What a sad thing,
holding my life in my hands,
and letting them get dirty.
Letting those same hands get chopped up and abused.

I hope in a few weeks time I'll learn to control myself.
This year doesn't matter much.
No important tests,
not many first impressions.
I still want to feel better.
I fear I'll turn into the person I was at the end of last school year though.
Passing by friends
headphones in place
eyes set forward.
Lost in our library
sitting alone writing my dislike of attention.
I didn't realize I would regret that in a few months.
when I lay away thinking about the fact that only roughly 10 of my summer days have been taken and used up.
2 by the friend that won't let go
2 by the one with a need to tell me her problems
1 by the guy who was tragically sad that I regrettably tried to cheer up
4 or 5 by the guy who left me when I most needed a friend.
Considering I wish two of those days didn't exist,
1/5 of my time with others was bad.
and more than half of that time was a waste of confused feelings.

I know it's selfish,
but I wish I had someone I could be lonely with.
I wish I could have someone to call when I'm feeling extra guilty or have an odd dream.
I wish I had someone to act silly with and do fun things with.
I wish I had a Bestfriend.
someone's house to go to,
or even a phone to call.
I wish I had someone I could tell everything to.
I wish I had Kyle back.
my bestfriend.
my boyfriend.
the one who would always listen,
and give me good advice.
The one whose house is right there,
and could always run over to give me a quick hug.
or kiss.
I miss those lips.
They are odd, really.
sort of small.

But I wish I had a bestfriend.
one I could tell all this to,
one who I could smile with.

I only need one person really,
one person who only also needs one person,
or at least has time for someone with those needs.

I need someone.
I need someone really bad.

I'm at the point where I really can't stand being alone so often.

You'd be surprised

Appearance is a lot.
It's not everything.

Bright eyes
wide smiles
is happiness to everyone
no matter the dark makeup
or the short skirt.

We all have the joy of loving the bass in a car full of people we don't mind being seen around.

there's always the calm feeling of being talked to after a horrible dream

you can never forget the feeling of having your nose kissed

Just because we don't all get the same high doesn't mean we all don't smoke the same drug.

being separated by oceans does not mean we do not have similar thoughts and feelings

Teaching people hatred and war will not bring the peace.

One voice is never enough, but the ears that hear that voice are.

Angry Tears

they're coming.
I wish they would just go away
I wish I could just go away.

I suppose the world doesn't want me to express myself anymore.

Writing is the only thing left after people failed me
and music was never enough
and I was better than drugs,
and alcohol just couldn't do it for me.

Humans ruin their selves too often.

It's a real freakin shame.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I hope you see this.

Don't block out people.

I was still reading
following your life.

The way you express yourself is like a drug.

Brushin' my teeth

Things are to go back to normal now.
I'll be floating.
Now it's time for normal.
Not bad just...
just alone is all I suppose
I have to get back to working out anyways.
Dieting helps keep my mind full.
school starts up on the 6th anyways.
Maybe I'll look good for my future peers that will learn to hate me.
and school will help keep the lonely at bay,
maybe I'll even meet a few people who will mean something to me.

Maybe I can find replacements for the people who left

Soon I'll go shopping,
and I can get some new clothes to aid the new me that old people steer clear of.

That pisses me off.
Whatever, old lady.
So the fuck what if I have chains on my pants.
Suck a wrinkly dick.
You could handle me two weeks ago in my tan sweeter.
Just because that turned into a studded jacket doesn't mean I'm changed on the inside.

I just really don't like the demand for people who can and want to spend time with me.
I caused it, sure. But I tried to fix it with plenty of people.

Sometimes it just gets lonely waking up at 1 and not having any reason to get out of bed.
no missed calls
offline IMs.
I understand people are busy and everything,
but I know people who make time for me that are busy.

I guess I just wish I had more people I had a mutual care for.

This school year I'm going to try to be not stuck on this summer,
or on the people who left.
I'm just going to try to not be held back by it.
I know I keep good company.
I know I'm an interesting person.

I feel so damaged for no fucking reason.
I was always the smile and the hug.
Sense when was I the one in need of one of those?
I always hold on for too long and
have to accept when people want to let go.

Because people always let go in one way or the other.
They either stop caring, or stop calling.
Leave or give me reason to leave them.

I feel like a stranger.
I just don't even know who I am anymore.

I used to be the one takling about how exciting my life is,
how all the drama is fun,
how all the friends and people are crazy.
We would all always joke about how I should write a book about it.
And now...well now that Christina is gone.
What's left?
Sarcastic spunk, and maybe a little pinch of whore, topped off with no friends and no drive for life.

I'm so fucking pathetic. It's really no wonder people don't like me.

I'm looking forward to school so I can Learn and Read.
I walk to the park with a book in my arms.
The person I look forward spending time with is my Drunken Cousin.
At least he can give me vodka....
The closest thing I have to a boyfriend is a guy I'm desperately in love with and I won't see for months, not to mention I kissed basically a stranger on his birthday, and then got drunk and got feelings and kissed the guy he probably hates the most spending time around me.
Oh, and my day? Yeah. It's filled with laying around and maybe going swimming with my mom.
And we're poor over here, and she steals money from me.
Then my dad's a rich fucking dick who acts cool sometimes.

Oh you're life sucks sooooooo bad huh, kid?
I can really just shut up.
I cause all of my problems.
or at least most.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I talked to him the other day

well yesterday actually.
They won phone time and
he was so excited
he made my whole day better.
I already lost him, then I lost Ian.
But then he called.
We got to talk for a half hour.
It was amazing.
Hearing him say "I love you".. I just,
I can't explain it.
I miss everything about him.
He said he could call next Sunday too.
That gives me something to look forward to.
Something amazing.
His voice.

Maybe soon I'll be able to tell him what's really going on with my summer.
I won't have to hide.
He can finally know about everything.
Soon, soon.
Maybe Sunday.
Then he would know.

I feel better

I'm as alone as can be
atleast I have myself.

Monday, August 15, 2011

he's gone

im crying
he just
he just
and didn't tell me

every body is fucking leaving me

They promised,
they both promised
in one way or the other

the promised they wouldn't leave me

they promised.

For awhile I wore Tripp clothing.
My favorite jackets are actually Tripp brand.
then my style changed to cloths that were more in style.
but now I kinda wanna go back.
I pretty much am drooling over these

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Saturday, August 13, 2011

His Holiness the Dalai Lama,
is teaching me new ways of thought.
I picked up this book,
and it's pretty kick ass.

I like this one line, its right in the beginning.
It's something like,
"Ignorance is not just the lack of knowledge about how people and things
actually exists but an active mistaking of their fundamental nature"

so it's to say,
they are not stupid in their ways, only unable to see the real side of a situation.

I hope this book helps me to be less ignorant and less jealous.

It talks about when you do things you have to keep other peoples happiness in mind,
because making them happy will make you happy in the long run,
in in the long run is what counts because that's when you can be at peace with yourself,
and maybe the world will be at peace with you.
you and everyone else.
And because we were all fortunate enough to be humans,
we should do everything we can to get the peace.

I really like how they think.

It's like, never be mad at a person, because in another life they could be your best friend, your parent, even you.

It's really beautiful

I screw myself over too often


I wish I could've known my grandma fully

It's been about two years

I wish she could be there when I graduate
when I get married
when I have a kid
when I get engaged,
get an award
I wish I could've grown up more around my grandma.

She was a very strong soul

I always either smile or frown when I see a butterfly
She loved them
she loved the little things like that
she never took things for granted

I wish she could still be here

My heart is selfish

it takes too much
and doesn't give enough back
my heart doesn't consider the hearts that keep it beating
it just,
My heart it's,
mean but kind
it's caring
and loving, of course.
But it's very very selfish.
It needs to learn.
It needs to find out it's normal.
It speaks the truth,
just needs better timing.

I wish the other night would not have happened.
his words are still in my head,
floating around,
scratching the sides.

I asked him where he would want to be to be happy right now, thinking he'd give me a place.
He answered with a
"To be honest.." long pause "..well to be honest, I really only want to be with you."
then he'd say things like

"I wish I would've got to you before him."
and how when he's with me,
I'm his Happy when I'm there
he told me he wouldn't leave me
after I said I'm afraid he's going to walk out of my life
he didn't mean it in a romantic way
he meant it in a
"No matter what happens, I'll always be here" kind of way.
and he said he would never go
he would be here forever
and I just, I told him he was lying,
but inside I have a feeling he's not.
We still stayed close after we broke up two years ago,
we still tell each other secrets and can hang out
Even when I had to wake him up,
the morning after we got drunk,
(because my mom was coming home soon, and he needed to leave)
well when I woke him up things were okay.
we went outside so he could smoke
and then we went to my room and got his stuff together
and he looked at me
and I looked at him
and I just, it hurt to know I was causing him pain,
but there was more awkward in the air than pain,
so I said something like "something feels weird.."
and he turned his head to look at me weird
and I just wrapped my arms above his shoulders,
and we hugged for a long time.
I didn't know how to get out of the hug without it being weird,
and I didn't want him to kiss me again,
so I swung back and forth jokingly and said
"now get outta my hair!"
and we laughed and had smile eyes,
then he just walked out and
got in his car
and everything was okay
and things between us weren't awkward really.
and I just thought
Well God, maybe he's not lying,
even after last night,
when I told him we couldn't be together
and we poured out feelings
we could still joke and be friends.
Maybe he really will never leave me.
I would be,
really really sad if he fell out of my life.
I never want us to lose each other.
We've been through some shit though
and had some drama.
But now he's on meds,
and doesn't get as mad anymore.
and now my parents are okay with our age difference,
even though it was never a big deal to me,
only about 3 years, not that bad.
and now he has a car,
so I don't have to worry about rides.
everything fits now
and there are no problems
He'll get over me soon,
he always does,
just like I always do too.
I can't wait until the weekend is over with
because he's busy during it
and I can't wait to see if he stays true to his word
that things will be okay
that he won't leave me
that we'll still have each other
it's his turn to call,
we have a thing going on,
but i called him the last two times actually,
so now it's his turn to make plans.
I wonder when he will.
I wonder if he was lying
I just want to see if things work out.
I always had a problem looking into his eyes,
but i wonder now if he'll form the same problem.
I wonder if he'll stand next to me,
or across from me.
I wonder what he'll expect of me.
I told him that night
i said
" In the morning you can blame this all on the vodka if you want"
and he said
"well what if I don't want to?"
so I said
"I guess we'll just see"
Now I guess is that time, where we're gonna see where we are.
I wonder if he remembers it all,
or if it's only sparks of our chats.
I wonder if he remembers coming into my room with me,
and pulling me in with one arm
kissing me
me pulling away because
now he's the second guy this summer who tried to tongue kiss on the first kiss.
It's like no one respects stages anymore.
I like lip to lip action.
no one tongue kisses well anymore.
I've only really had one guy.
and he had the most beautiful long tongue.
we would makeout for hours.
But I wonder if he remembers the things that I said
I wonder if he really meant the things that started with
"in all honesty..."
I wasn't really that drunk,
just a little tipsy
but he was.
He had things in his head to get away from.
he told me to never do drugs,
after I said I wouldn't do them
and I asked him why he did them, but told me not to
and he said
"I don't want you getting mixed up in that stuff. it's really horrible"
so i told him,
"Ian, if you really feel that way why don't you just stop? set your own example"
he looked at me like he's never heard such a thing and replied
"yeah. yeah I will. I'll stop"
he's not even doing it for me. he's dong it for him. it's beautiful
and I told him to promise
so we laughed and pinky promised
and I'm proud for him.
I hope he can pull through with it
but hanging around me might help
because i'm not gonna be asking him to smoke pot
take pills
or anything
I'm more into clean fun,
or alcohol
well, I'm into things that I shouldn't be doing really.
but it's not bad it's more,
stuff that my parents would frown at
they think I'm the good kid
but really,
I'm just really good at covering things up and
making excuses
I always find a way to tell them the truth but not tell them what I'm up to.
sometimes all even say it in a joke though
"yeah mom, when you leave we're gonna party"
then she just comes in and jokes too.

the other night is still in my head and hiding behind my lips
but for now I'll stop.
I'm empty now.

Friday, August 12, 2011

He's sleeping on my couch.

Snickers Snick IAN.
he's sleeping on my couch.
he came over, once my mom left for her night shift,
we drank with Cousin.
the feelings poured out of both of us,
we cuddled
And talked about our feelings and I
told him we
and explained about Kyle
and he told me
he'd wait for me
because im the only one he wants to be with
he cares most about me
"I'm worth it"
and I just. I want to date him, I really do.
I want to hold hands and go on dates.
But I love Kyle. And I don't want to lose him.
choose Kyle, lose good company with Ian,
choose Ian, lose everything with Ky.

im so confused >.<

Thursday, August 11, 2011

oh but there's more

I not only had a dream about Snickers, I had one about Kyle too.
He came to visit me for like 4 days and
oh my God it was amazing.
Mom let him spend the night
It was so lovely spending time around him.
we kissed and held hands.
we were constantly in touch with each other.
I miss him so much >.<

This is one of those times I wished people liked to listen

So of course I had a dream about Ian.
(I think I'm gonna start calling him 'Snickers' or 'Snick'-for short)
So in my dream me and Snick were hanging out.
He was sitting next to me,
and I leaded over on him,
and he wrapped his arm around me,
and used his hand to hold mine.
We just sat there like that.
the whole dream.