i want your words in my fucking ears
and i want your hands in dirty places
I want you to throw me across the room
and nurse my wounds
i want you to hit me
I want your aggression
i want your fear
I want to know your bad side
the side to not spit across
He has his own bug
that crawls up my fingers to my heart
latches itself on and
doesn't let go
His bug is welcomed,
because it makes me smile
tells me it loves me
makes me feel okay
and I love him
I love him and his little bug for everything that they are
they are perfect
right there together,
right there with me
but you still don't know why it is.
hypocritical? hardly ever
need to watch my tongue? stop being such a nun
self restraint? Yeah, it's called not holding anything back. and it's working just fine for me
"You've been a totally different person for a long time. No offence. You are very bitter and angry. Extremely hypocritical . Try thinking nice thoughts or control your tongue. I mean I am not a saint, but I have some self restraint in my words. You'd be wise to learn some. Harsh - yeah, but maybe you needed that."
stay the fuck away from me tomorrow. I don't want you to even look at me.
It's my birthday and what I wish for is for you to not judge me on what you don't fucking know.
make up your
'I don't give a fuck'
mind about me
I am so tired of your behavior.
You are a girl I swear.
You are hidden
and I can see that.
But please stop throwing me around your life
and I just.. I just let you.
You told me not to tell,
but who is telling now?
It must be you.
why else would I be getting questions
You did not get what you wanted
you hate me
I was happy being your friend
I was happy
you teasing me without knowing
I was happy
when you put your head next to mine
and when you
sat close to me when we watched TV
i was happy when you told me I was
I liked you trusting me
I liked you liking me
I like you showing yourself to me
I liked revealing myself to you
but you changed how you wanted me to see you.
but I still saw the real you
and you HATE it
and you hate me
And I started hating you when you tried to use me for sex, then throw me away.
I'm laying here
next to my bed
I'm afraid to look under it
I feel like a beautiful woman is under there,
reaching out her smooth hand
to dig her sharp fingernail into my soft neck
she wants to watch the light go out in my eyes
she wants to watch my soul leave this world,
and travel to another
she wants to be the reason people cry and hurt
she wants to rub off her blood stained hands on my cold body.
There has always been a reason women wear their nails red, they're secrete killers
I wanted to make my 200th post special, mean something to me I guess, I wrote this the other day in my German class, it's not finished. It probably never will be.
She flows like water,
beautiful in her step,
while her hair falls and twists.
It's wild of her way,
like her touch, I'm sure
She glides through her world,
feeling pain and love
sometimes lost, but sometimes she is found.
With a smile that is rare,
she does not fake
but as it comes to lift her face,
it takes mine with hers
For that moment we can share happiness
shat that power
she doesn't know my thoughts
of the poetry that is her
of the inspiration that is her
I imagine she smells of mist,
like perfume and water mixed to create what is her.
she used my jacket that she adores
I thought it might have smelled like her
like it sat on the floor by her bed,
unloved once home,
once in comfort
It wasn't with her and neither was I
wonder if she could choose me
If I could feel enough
to be some part of her
of her unique stance
of that attitude that is refreshing and new
I want to know how she views the world
ho she takes in people
where she feels her passion
what she views of dreams
I wonder what she sees in the mirror
how she sees me
I adore her
ive made a habit of sitting on my bed after i shower with my hair dripping wet and my skin still smooth.
it's calming just being human, do you understand?
i can just lay naked absorbed in thoughts, pushing away the world outside my locked door.
It has been raining the past four days and with every day I just feel worse and worse.
Today I cracked. I melted away.
all the anger and saddness combined into hot flowing tears, i needed to sob and yell and be as loud as I could.
But I couldn't.
I just..went into my bathroom and was as silent as possible.
I don't want to say this but really it was very...businesslike..like it seems all my actions are these days
get in get out forget forget forget forget get over it get over it.
i feel stripped of things on the inside -naked -bare-
I just feel so different.
like every pair of eyes I look into will never understand.
you didn't call. you didn't say why. you didn't call me. you didn't tell me why. you didn't tell me.
Remember when we used to tell each other EVERYTHING?
when we woke up, when we ate breakfast, when we got out of the shower, when we got home from some place.
We were perfect stalkers of each other and I loved it and I hated it . I hated not having anything to myself. Never having room to plan with friends or just have a day to my family. Week by week we planned, you planned.
I love how every one of those days together were special,
but I wish I would've made time for friends, would have picked up the phone to call my exbestfriend.
But now I have way too much space and I want it filled with you.
I wonder how you would fill into my new life.
You used to be my life, the solid mass that things would be filled around, but now you would be doing the filling, and I'd be my own solid mass, standing strong and doing my own thing.
I wish we could have been more laid back,
I wish you wouldn't have been so afraid we wouldn't have enough time for us. It ruined it, It ruined my social life and the friendships with almost all of my friends.
Because That's what I wanted, I wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with me, and that just happened to be all the time.
It was amazing
The only thing I would change is how I felt about everyone but you.
I wish I would've held onto them.
Because everyone was right,
once you left I was going to be left with no one wishing I would've called my friends every few days.
But now I'm changed.
I am all my different faces and masks, I am my inside outside up-side-down backwards forwards.
I am learning to drive and babysitting every Friday.
I am spending my days reading or off having adventures with Ian or Janea or my bestfriend.
I am squealing over gossip and catching up on everything.
I'm checking out the guy in math class, and the other guy in there too.
I am looking every where and thinking of you-only you.
I am remembering more and more of the little things every day.
I remember like you're dead-or dying.
Like you are a "was" instead of an "is"
I know you are not dead, I know I get to see you in a little over a month, and that you are the voice on the other end of the calls that come on random day that come around 10:53 each time. That's always the time I see on the clock before You call a few minutes after,
like you were supposed to call yesterday,
like you were supposed to call this weekend,
like you promised you would call this weekend because You had plenty of free time.
Waiting and giving up makes me explode inside.
like all my clothes are too tight and I can breath.
I fucking hate that.
and it keeps happening over and over.
I just want us back in each others lives.
oh well, I already told you I understand when you get busy you can't do anything about it.
I hope you were busy. Because I've been checking my phone all weekend waiting
On my last day of Junior High I was a total badass,
I wore a cape to school and danced everywhere.
There was this chick in my math class who just hated the fuck out of me so I got realll close to her, then turned around to face my friends, got their attention,
turned back at the bitch, pointed at her face and watched her crumple with embarrassment and maybe even fear as I song "I want it that way" by the backstreet boys to her.
It was one of the most amazing days of my life.
I love making great exits.
saturday I was changed,
i was three different people
I started of my day late, and walked up to the skate park.
Dressed up in my black tanktop, person number one.
I sat against the fence and yelled and nodded at my friends that were skating.
I put one knee up and looked at it, and I kind of giggled, asking myself
"When did I become the girl sitting in a skate park with friends, wearing purple fishnets under ratty jeans, looking like i don't give a damn?"
I guess it just happened really.
I can be anyone.
That evening I changed in to person number two,
Pretty blue tank top under a clean sweatshirt, with nice slacks on.
I colored and fed them apples, read the little girls stories, tucked them in.
Who would believe I was Person number one after that?
At home I became Person number three, the roll I play often.
Snuggling under my blankets in my pajama pants, make up and everything still on, reading a book late into the night.
I think person three is a good one,
she likes her alone time and her books, but she also makes room for friends
person two concentrates on being a role model, doing things right, by the rules, being acceptable
person number one is probably my favorite though, she roames alone, until she wants to be bothered, she wears what she wants and doesn't care if anyone stares at her dark make up while she sits in the skate park reading incredibly girly books with pink covers and the name Sarrah Dessen
painted over the top
I love one and three, but two makes the cash, so I gotta keep her around.
Oh well, Two is chill sometimes.
The last post, about not wanting to wait for anyone.
there is no need to give up.
there's always light at the end of the tunnel
(unless it's a German poem, then it's a tunnel that goes on for a very long time and eventually you are dead)
I told my bestfriend something, a little piece of my heart.
"I know I have my crushes and everything, but some 'cute guy in math class' is nothing compared to Kyle. I love him, I feel like it's just always gonna be Him, ya know?"
and it made me think of Ian, and how many times I've said that to him, just in other ways
"I love being around you Ian, but it's always going to be Kyle. It just is"
And he was forced to understand that,
that I didn't want him. I want Kyle, and I'm always going to want Kyle.
Because he's just....him.
I can't explain it.
He's the name that scratches at my brain, my thoughts, he's the one that creeps to my mouth.
He's the smile I can trust,
the hands that I can hold.
He's my Kyle
my little gift, to hold in the palm of my hand,
to hold next to my heart.
He's the titleless title
And today I've had a line going through my head,
Mostly it was on the subject of relationships.
and I was thinking about Dan, he's just too old for me.
at least until my birthday next month.
And I'm not waiting a month just so I can feel okay with myself.
So I'm forgetting about it. We wouldn't have worked out.
I'll break it to him, somehow. The "before this begins I'm ending it" speech.
So I'm not doing that again. waiting.
I'm just going to try to be a High School Girl.
how it's supposed to be.
No long-term thinking, planning, waiting.
Only strictly business - - - or ''teenage business'' more like
I'm going to somehow end up with a date to homecoming, because I'm not being left out of that shit again.
I'm just gonna wing it - just not plan.
You are ruining yourself, day. by. day. I get up from my bed to hear the dogs going nuts.
you are laying outside in the rain in the grass
you won't respond
you won't move
I can't help you
I went and got mom, and you
you smiled I kicked your side and called you an asshole. and went inside. So much for caring soon later you stumble up our stairs awhile later' you come inside and fall against the door and wall
You just sit there and be drunk Cousin, with that new bandage on your wrist, and your 3rd missing phone. You sit there and be drunk I'm tired of helping I'm done caring. You just sit there and bang your head at the wall as you are. Fuck You.
"It didn't happen.
he was taking forever to talk to me
and once he did, he had to leave,
then he didn't talk to me after that.
mind you I didn't have his number at the time, or my physco ass woulda been calling him.
so he signed on facebook like an hour after he said he'd be right back, and I was waiting for him to talk to me me
but he didn't
so I sent him an instant message saying
'I guess we're not doing anything today then'
and he said something about
giving him an hour
and oh yeah
my mom doesn't want me going over there yet, because she doesn't know if he's a creep or not.
so he wanted to hang out or
go on a date
or whatever we were supposed to be doing
and my mom likes me to be home at 9 on weekdays.
so I told him some other time.
and then I found out the hour was him playing video games with his bro
I said it was fine when he said to not take it personally.
who chooses videogames over a girl?
and that's my story"
don't you sit there with your judging eyes
don't you dare cross your arms and look at me as a monster
No, I don't look up,
no I don't say anything.
I can feel your eyes.
why hate me?
why hate this stranger you do not even know?
Don't you dare judge me.
I just keep thinking about Kyle.
about what we were, about what we had. about how long we were an Us and everything that it was and meant.
Recently I haven't been ignoring his ex girlfriends from forever ago and figured out they were pretty freakin cool
but that just brings on all the memories
and it makes me real fucking sad.
It's like he's not real anymore, like he's just a guy in pictures.
a person from my best memories.
I miss the piss out of him,
and it hurts sometimes.
I mean, I LOVE being all flirty with guys and stuff.
But if I could have him as I did, they wouldn't even matter.
If I had him like I did, no one would matter
anyone else I'm keeping my little eye on.
where is my bearded dragons heat lamp?
why is there always something missing when I get to my moms?
Where is my phone? I think I left it in my bookbag..
Where was Dan?
I missed his company.
Where have I been mentally? GodDamn.
There are so many worthy guys in my classes for me to attach myself to.
There's this one though
He is adorable with his facebeard, and I think he's only a year older than me, so that's a record.
I think he may be into me too ;)
I have his number now.
I move on easily after I decide, and moving on from Kyle is getting better and better
tonight I'll do it.
ill just fall into death,
as I fall into bed
and they won't notice
my family. my friends. all the people.
I'm just going to disappear.
no one will know.
no one will mind much.
i'll be another sad memory
my school will make a small announcement
the people who cared will wonder how they didn't do enough.
I miss my laptop, and i want my house back. I hate having to be at Dads.
I just wish our water would turn back one so mom wouldn't have to feel so shitty.
Monday. Monat, I believe, in German. I'm really enjoying German this year.
I'm finally not falling asleep or laughing too much at him. Let's put it this way.
We have to learn a dance to go along with a poem. He practices before school.
Herr Hunt is a very funny man. I think he just needs some more love.
He loves me and my older sisters. Though they are more smart. That's tough..
Living in the shadow of two smart ladies. Being called by their name daily.
The new friends/people are a blast. I never thought it was possible for me.
But I'm fitting in just find with a few people who enjoy having me around.
School is turning out to be way better than I planned. Other then the bus.
They are packed three to a seat. 6thgraders-highschoolers. It's ridiculous.
Boys are being incredible horn-balls. I just want some friends, not dicks.
It feels like everyone but a few are males that I talk to. It's better that way,
less drama. I'm going to go now. I'm bored with my block right now...
I got home to find a man at our door not 5 minutes later.
He told me that our water was being shut off.
I didn't know what to think,
Cousin pushed passed me and was talking to him,
he felt so guilty, the man.
His voice trembled when he said it.
maybe it was my eyes,
he might have seen how I wasn't a bad person.
Maybe he thought we were a decent family and didn't deserve it.
But he said it was just his job,
and if we paid had nothing to do with him.
I felt bad for the man,
having to take something away from a family.
But we filled our bath tub up with water so we could brush our teeth and flush the toilet.
The water should be back on soon.
When mom got home she walked in while I was on the phone with
He came over
we had our smiles,
and ran into people.
like we always do with him. -.-
and walked around with them.
I only knew of the guy,
he was at least 6 feet tall and was bone skinny.
with a smile that proved he had braces for a long time.
Your lips get stuck thinking there's something to smile around.
He was amazing looking.
with his ripped jeans and blue and black plaid shirt,
The best style,
not brand new shit.
But shit that looks nice when faded.
Then there was his girlfriend,
(one of) Kyles ex girlfriend.
or how ever she spells it.
she was a short skinny wonder with jet black hair with a bandana tied around her small head.
She had a sister along with her too,
who was on the search for her boyfriend.
She was chunky,
but was generally happy.
She liked me.
They all liked me.
They all smoked,
and I don't smoke.
It gets a little awkward denying it so many times in a row.
after them we came back to my house to eat.
We had to warm up the food but he didn't - which was weird.
why would he not?
I did to show him that it's not out of the ordinary around here.
Maybe he feared he would catch Poor.
We sat in my room for hours.
Spilled secretes and untold things.
listened to music
because he wants me too.
But it's always going to be Kyle.
he said that tears him up inside,
because he got to me before him,
and his insanity let me go.
That's when he wasn't on pills.
That means he meant the things he said when he was drunk.
They were real.
He said he liked our kiss.
and wanted another one.
I told him that I didn't like tongue in my mouth,
that there's stages.
He laughed and said
"well that's good to know. But I was drunk!"
I helped him achieve a life goal of kissing a girl with braces.
When he had to go I held on real tight,
so did he.
I pushed up against him so It was everything.
We stood there holding each other.
I didn't want it to stop.
I love the feel of his hugs.
It's like the worlds pain melts away.
I moved my head down into his shoulders.
Almost into his neck.
To get the full affect.
Then we let go.
and he walked out the door.
the bus filled with too many people
there's boys in front of me, who always blast Hollywood Undead and I always sing along under my breath.
the girls next to me are afraid of not fitting in and don't smell normal.
The strange girl in the front is tall, with badly dyed blue hair.
Someone threw a thermos at her,
it hit her head and she
anger and hate covering her face and said something intimidating like
"Who the fuck threw that?! seriously what the fuck who fucking threw that?!"
As if she would pounce on the person that did.
shoot her hate from her dagger eyes.
tear the person to shreds with words.
I would have cried if I was her.
pointless hurt stings.
at school was okay.
I was excited to get back to German.
I met a new person,
who knew no one.
I believe I was one of the first friends from here.
He's in my third hour,
which also makes him in my lunch.
In math he sits behind me,
in lunch right next to me.
I like his company.
I feel once he warms up to people he'll be once of those hidden treasures.
Those skinny jeans boys.
He liked me too,
I could tell once he didn't shake off given the chance.
He'll stick around.
Today I felt paranoid,
I feared my zipper on my pants was down even though I knew it wasn't.
Every time my name was called I feared people thinking
"oh I've heard of her, she a bitch
she hangs out with so and so and he's weird
she dated this person
she's the teachers pet
she's never around people"
I feared them connecting my name to an assumption.
even some are true.
I am Christina.
I am not Christina the Bitch, Christina Who Was Dating Kyle, Christina the Weirdo.
I'm just Christina,
NOT "Julies little sister"
But I can't help their thoughts.
I almost got sick at the sparks of interests I saw in nearly all my Guy friends.
My bestfriend did say I looked pretty cute though.
because I didn't try.
I just wore my favorite sweater
pulled my hair back
let my bangs hang out.
had a touch of mascara on.
Just the way I like,
little makeup and comfort showing the soul.
I was just myself.
In some classes I didn't know anyone though,
and that kinda bombs.
But that's okay.
That means I get to be left alone sometimes.
I feel it coming out with every sentence
every bit of me
It's coming out,
the hatred, care, the thoughts
to everyone and anyone
every piece of clothing
every movie watched
I'm forming and changing.
I've formed favorite words.
They are :
I love them all.
They describe me.
they're my life.
I'm listening to this song because Boy1 gave me the songs of the entire album,
it's his favorite band
he loves the message
I like it because he does
Boy1 is something out of a movie.
he was put here to make me wonder and question.
but then I have this game the Boy2 gave to me
I liked it because I could scream at losing
I like it because he spends a lot of his time on it,
at least the time in which he gets to chose what he wants to do
I like having these things.
just because they enjoy them.
It's like they both gave me a piece of their soul with out even knowing.
I like being able to see into people,
using things they willingly gave me
I like to know how people enjoy and spend their lives.
I finally got to talk to Kyle.
our voices together..magic.
I told him about my dream, and he just said
"it's funny to hear I'm running away now when before your dreams of us were happy ones"
he accused me of having emotional problems.
insecurities I suppose
I told him he was right.
"you know in a few days it'll be what? 10 monthes? i can't count..what is it?"
I choked. I stopped breathing. I stammered.
"I..I didn't think we were together...this whole summer I've just been thinking we were technically broken up"
and he's been fucking sitting there counting the months.
but he took that light heatedly and agreed.
he said we didn't have to count the two months.
"we can.. I'd just be a really bad girlfriend if so"
"how bad? like on a scale of 1 to 10?"
"I don't know, 11, I feel horrible. I feel so guilty."
"it's complicated, i didn't want to. I don't want to talk about it"
"we promised we wouldn't hold anything back from eachother"
"do you..do you remember Aaron from our bus? well he came over, and starting telling me all this emotional stuff and started crying and we.....kissed and stuff.."
"We just kissed, it was nothing more"
"I'm so sorry Ky, I feel so horrible."
"why did you kiss him?"
"I thought if I tried someone new it would stop me from feeling so lonely"
He told me that I should live my life how I wanted to, to not let him hold me back. but that he'd love to be in my life.
"You know why we broke up, those few things. I was fucking crazy and worried about losing you, and I'd be gone. not there. I'm still not there Christina, that still hasn't changed. The reasons still haven't changed. I'm a different person now. this place has changed me. I'm still myself but I'm changed."
the way he kept saying he wasn't here
i didn't let him know that tears were falling down my cheek, getting the phone wet, falling on my thighs.
I just said
"why does that have to matter?"
"It does matter. it matters to you."
It's like he doesn't realize that I just want him.
I told him over and over
I only want him
it's always been him
I only love him
I've only loved him. always.
It's like he's trying to scare me away from a relationship.
Like he thinks the distance will get rid of the way I feel.
you were at school
you came back
and when i saw you I went running
we hugged and kissed
you let go
but I kept kissing you
I stopped when you did
and You had to get back to soccer practice or whatever you were doing
later that day
i went to your house,
your mom was there and at first she didn't welcome me in but then later we had some fun
she asked if I'd seen you lately
because she hadn't
I thought it was weird that you didn't go home
where were you then?
and why did you keep our hello so short?
I've been a little busy.
I've been shopping,
I've been talking one the phone more.
Spending more time with one of my sisters.
I made cookies,
and couldn't help but smile through the whole process.
Baking makes me so happy.
my whole family knows this.
My sister calls me the Fairy when ever she sees me pulling out the flour,
It's the Baking Fairy, for short.
It's been given to me after we realized I was the only one of the three sisters who could bake
I'm actually the only one with a few more things,
the ability to understand trends and fashion (although I normally don't follow)
makeup, sadly the other two have no clue how to properly use makeup
those two along with baking makes me a pretty good Girl.
I've also spent more time reading,
once down at a local park.
I was sitting on top of a play tube when I looked around and realized people would and will be looking at me.
It made me wonder if any of them were jealous.
Jealous of the girl sitting and reading all on her own, with her own way of getting there and leaving, with no desire to talk to any of the the eyes that were peering at her.
I bet there was at least one person jealous of the position I could put myself in.
One, if anything.
With good reason too, I'm very happy with my life right now.
And it's about to get a lot better this weekend, when I can start hanging around Ian again.
and even more so in a few weeks time when I can talk to Kyle more - even webcam each other.
Not to mention school starts in a week, where I will have to stay focused.
Things are just really really looking up.
I have a reason to smile - to wake up in the morning.
Everything is going to be okay.
It was always meant to be okay.
I'm not sure what to do now that Ian is coming back. With him not wanting to forget the other night and me being famous for speaking my mind I'm not sure were we are going to be.
Can I handle being alone with him in his car?
what about walking close in the mall? or watching a movie at his house?
he has a thing for turning off the lights then.
Will we be able to find a normal that suits us? or will we go back to not talking so often?
Our lifestyles don't exactly clash, but that's what makes it fun.
we make each other smile
We help fill the others void too. It's been said in many ways but not straight out.
things are just okay around each other. We have that shoulder to cry on while having that person to laugh with.
Our friendship is a beautiful thing.
I love it.
We don't judge each other,
and anything from spending the night while moms gone
to painting our nails,
is just a part of our relationship.
I can tell him things not a lot of people care to listen to,
and he can tell me the little things his heart whispers.
Questions are always answered truthfully, and we both have lots, well me more than him.
I like knowing his inside.
things will be better once he gets a girlfriend, because he goes through those like I go through books.
Some times it takes a long time to read, some times only a few days.
and it will be better once I talk to Kyle.
The title behind the feelings will make it easier to explain him to not only Ian but every one else who says
"so I know it was a while back but what ever happened to you and Kyle??"
then I'm all. derp. awkward sentence. explaining love. derp. something about letters. derp. something about my mistakes and more awkward then more love then lastly derp.
when I really just want to say
"we broke up for the summer, but now we're back in action! bow chicka wooow wooow" or something like that to switch to other things.
having Ian back is going to be great, he's one of the males I crave time around. there is only a few.
I think it's the lack of a brother, and how I always wanted an older one.
I have two older sisters that I don't talk about really, but I'm very close to one of them.
I love her. I'd do almost anything to keep her safe.
It's been bugging me because I want to tell Ian that I love him.
But it's not in the romantic way, it's in the "I care a lot about you" Kind of way.
like a bestfriend, but more then that.
he told me he was coming back from wheeever the fuck he is away next weekend
and asked what we said while he was drunk
I'm super excited to have him back. I just want him in my life.
and when he asked this is how it went
"so I know we talked the other night but i don't remember what I said, what did we talk about?"
"oh i dont want to tell you that"
"we just talked about um, mutual feelings and stuff"
"feelings about what?"
"just never mind Ian if you don't remember then you don't need to know. i just want us to be friends"
-getting back to normal conversation-
I hope he gets over it fast.
but I wish he remembered, because I liked a lot of the things he had said.
I wonder if he meant them?
did he mean to say he only wanted me, that I make him happy?
or was that just somehow funny to him at the time, while his brain was distracted with vodka.
I never thought about that.
But I guess he's been thinking about it awhile though, because he told me a few days ago that he needed to talk to me, and that's what it was about.
I miss him, as a person.
I wish I could make him happy, but it's better for us to be bestfriends rather than date for a month and not talk or something horrible.
It's not that I fear things wouldn't work out, because I don't need to fear, I already know. He's too old for my parents to handle, and he wouldn't provide the kind of affection I would need.
And I'm not really that attracted to him,
like I could never imagine us hardcore making out or having sex.
like I could with Kyle, but we haven't got to sex yet..
virgin eyes for me.
I think I'm just going to go with Kyle. I know he's not here, but he will be eventually.
Things will work out for us.
because we're Us.
I'm sorry I said forever and lied. I'm sorry I didn't stay true with you. I'm sorry I was always afraid.
I wish you could be here. I wish I could hold you. I wish this summer never happened, and you never left me.
I wish I never had to get over you. I wish you were around. I hope we can be together in the future.
I'm sorry I pushed you away. You have to understand the feelings I had at the time though. We couldn't be together because of my horrible guilt, and I loved him more. Not that I loved you..
I wish I still had you here with me.
Fuck. why did you have to be so freakin interesting to me?
why do you come in the dead of night, in my time?
why did it seem like there would be something and when there wasn't?
I wish I would've had the guts to say something
I wish you would just talk to me.
I love you. Straight out I just do. as a friend, sister, lover, brother, what ever you want. I wish I could be the one to be there. to make you happy.
But I'm so glad I have you as a friend. I'm glad we can be happy in that way.
I'm glad you never get mad at me, and always hear me out.
Thank you for always being there.
I found myself with a new face, a new person. He was cool. Our talking was casual.
I thought maybe he needed a new friend as much as me.
Maybe it was our age difference, but honestly, after this summer I don't really think guys care about my age anymore.
one was 5 years older
one was 3
this one is nearly 4
I thought this could be the lasting thing I was looking for
someone to call and hang out with
someone to be there for me and care like I do with them.
But I guess this wasn't meant to be that.
It's a shame how trusting I am in people.
They all say they won't leave. Liars.
I wonder how that would turn out. I'm sure it wouldn't turn out to well. All of those ladies who have perfect legs, or all of those strange people who need to take a bath.
But it would be nice. I wouldn't have to hide feelings from anyone. Some could know how amazing they are, some could know how much of a jerk they are.
I wonder what people would think of me.
I realize that they would probably be thinking too much of themselves to have an opinion on me though.
Maybe I'll look good for my future peers that will learn to hate me.
and school will help keep the lonely at bay,
maybe I'll even meet a few people who will mean something to me.
Maybe I can find replacements for the people who left
Soon I'll go shopping,
and I can get some new clothes to aid the new me that old people steer clear of.
That pisses me off.
Whatever, old lady.
So the fuck what if I have chains on my pants.
Suck a wrinkly dick.
You could handle me two weeks ago in my tan sweeter.
Just because that turned into a studded jacket doesn't mean I'm changed on the inside.
I just really don't like the demand for people who can and want to spend time with me.
I caused it, sure. But I tried to fix it with plenty of people.
Sometimes it just gets lonely waking up at 1 and not having any reason to get out of bed.
no missed calls
I understand people are busy and everything,
but I know people who make time for me that are busy.
I guess I just wish I had more people I had a mutual care for.
This school year I'm going to try to be not stuck on this summer,
or on the people who left.
I'm just going to try to not be held back by it.
I know I keep good company.
I know I'm an interesting person.
I feel so damaged for no fucking reason.
I was always the smile and the hug.
Sense when was I the one in need of one of those?
I always hold on for too long and
have to accept when people want to let go.
Because people always let go in one way or the other.
They either stop caring, or stop calling.
Leave or give me reason to leave them.
I feel like a stranger.
I just don't even know who I am anymore.
I used to be the one takling about how exciting my life is,
how all the drama is fun,
how all the friends and people are crazy.
We would all always joke about how I should write a book about it.
And now...well now that Christina is gone.
Sarcastic spunk, and maybe a little pinch of whore, topped off with no friends and no drive for life.
I'm so fucking pathetic. It's really no wonder people don't like me.
I'm looking forward to school so I can Learn and Read.
I walk to the park with a book in my arms.
The person I look forward spending time with is my Drunken Cousin.
At least he can give me vodka....
The closest thing I have to a boyfriend is a guy I'm desperately in love with and I won't see for months, not to mention I kissed basically a stranger on his birthday, and then got drunk and got feelings and kissed the guy he probably hates the most spending time around me.
Oh, and my day? Yeah. It's filled with laying around and maybe going swimming with my mom.
And we're poor over here, and she steals money from me.
Then my dad's a rich fucking dick who acts cool sometimes.