Saturday, August 13, 2011

My heart is selfish

it takes too much
and doesn't give enough back
my heart doesn't consider the hearts that keep it beating
it just,
My heart it's,
mean but kind
it's caring
and loving, of course.
But it's very very selfish.
It needs to learn.
It needs to find out it's normal.
It speaks the truth,
just needs better timing.

I wish the other night would not have happened.
his words are still in my head,
floating around,
scratching the sides.

I asked him where he would want to be to be happy right now, thinking he'd give me a place.
He answered with a
"To be honest.." long pause "..well to be honest, I really only want to be with you."
then he'd say things like

"I wish I would've got to you before him."
and how when he's with me,
I'm his Happy when I'm there
he told me he wouldn't leave me
after I said I'm afraid he's going to walk out of my life
he didn't mean it in a romantic way
he meant it in a
"No matter what happens, I'll always be here" kind of way.
and he said he would never go
he would be here forever
and I just, I told him he was lying,
but inside I have a feeling he's not.
We still stayed close after we broke up two years ago,
we still tell each other secrets and can hang out
Even when I had to wake him up,
the morning after we got drunk,
(because my mom was coming home soon, and he needed to leave)
well when I woke him up things were okay.
we went outside so he could smoke
and then we went to my room and got his stuff together
and he looked at me
and I looked at him
and I just, it hurt to know I was causing him pain,
but there was more awkward in the air than pain,
so I said something like "something feels weird.."
and he turned his head to look at me weird
and I just wrapped my arms above his shoulders,
and we hugged for a long time.
I didn't know how to get out of the hug without it being weird,
and I didn't want him to kiss me again,
so I swung back and forth jokingly and said
"now get outta my hair!"
and we laughed and had smile eyes,
then he just walked out and
got in his car
and everything was okay
and things between us weren't awkward really.
and I just thought
Well God, maybe he's not lying,
even after last night,
when I told him we couldn't be together
and we poured out feelings
we could still joke and be friends.
Maybe he really will never leave me.
I would be,
really really sad if he fell out of my life.
I never want us to lose each other.
We've been through some shit though
and had some drama.
But now he's on meds,
and doesn't get as mad anymore.
and now my parents are okay with our age difference,
even though it was never a big deal to me,
only about 3 years, not that bad.
and now he has a car,
so I don't have to worry about rides.
everything fits now
and there are no problems
He'll get over me soon,
he always does,
just like I always do too.
I can't wait until the weekend is over with
because he's busy during it
and I can't wait to see if he stays true to his word
that things will be okay
that he won't leave me
that we'll still have each other
it's his turn to call,
we have a thing going on,
but i called him the last two times actually,
so now it's his turn to make plans.
I wonder when he will.
I wonder if he was lying
I just want to see if things work out.
I always had a problem looking into his eyes,
but i wonder now if he'll form the same problem.
I wonder if he'll stand next to me,
or across from me.
I wonder what he'll expect of me.
I told him that night
i said
" In the morning you can blame this all on the vodka if you want"
and he said
"well what if I don't want to?"
so I said
"I guess we'll just see"
Now I guess is that time, where we're gonna see where we are.
I wonder if he remembers it all,
or if it's only sparks of our chats.
I wonder if he remembers coming into my room with me,
and pulling me in with one arm
kissing me
me pulling away because
now he's the second guy this summer who tried to tongue kiss on the first kiss.
It's like no one respects stages anymore.
I like lip to lip action.
no one tongue kisses well anymore.
I've only really had one guy.
and he had the most beautiful long tongue.
we would makeout for hours.
But I wonder if he remembers the things that I said
I wonder if he really meant the things that started with
"in all honesty..."
I wasn't really that drunk,
just a little tipsy
but he was.
He had things in his head to get away from.
he told me to never do drugs,
after I said I wouldn't do them
and I asked him why he did them, but told me not to
and he said
"I don't want you getting mixed up in that stuff. it's really horrible"
so i told him,
"Ian, if you really feel that way why don't you just stop? set your own example"
he looked at me like he's never heard such a thing and replied
"yeah. yeah I will. I'll stop"
he's not even doing it for me. he's dong it for him. it's beautiful
and I told him to promise
so we laughed and pinky promised
and I'm proud for him.
I hope he can pull through with it
but hanging around me might help
because i'm not gonna be asking him to smoke pot
take pills
or anything
I'm more into clean fun,
or alcohol
well, I'm into things that I shouldn't be doing really.
but it's not bad it's more,
stuff that my parents would frown at
they think I'm the good kid
but really,
I'm just really good at covering things up and
making excuses
I always find a way to tell them the truth but not tell them what I'm up to.
sometimes all even say it in a joke though
"yeah mom, when you leave we're gonna party"
then she just comes in and jokes too.

the other night is still in my head and hiding behind my lips
but for now I'll stop.
I'm empty now.

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