Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Her smile was enough
she was
it was
my birthday gift.

Oh she held out her arm
her boobooed arm
and I got to
kiss is better


He has his own bug
that crawls up my fingers to my heart
latches itself on and
doesn't let go
His bug is welcomed,
because it makes me smile
and it
tells me it loves me
makes me feel okay
and I love him
I love him and his little bug for everything that they are
they are perfect
and belong
right there together,
right there with me

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

It's my birthday

I am

Pretend to care.

So maybe it is true,

but you still don't know why it is.
Angry? yes
Bitter? occasionally
hypocritical? hardly ever
need to watch my tongue? stop being such a nun
self restraint? Yeah, it's called not holding anything back. and it's working just fine for me 

She doesn't know shit about me. "Bestfriend"

"You've been a totally different person for a long time. No offence. You are very bitter and angry. Extremely hypocritical . Try thinking nice thoughts or control your tongue. I mean I am not a saint, but I have some self restraint in my words. You'd be wise to learn some. Harsh - yeah, but maybe you needed that."


stay the fuck away from me tomorrow. I don't want you to even look at me.
It's my birthday and what I wish for is for you to not judge me on what you don't fucking know.


make up your
god damn
'I don't give a fuck'
mind about me
I am so tired of your behavior.
You are a girl I swear.
You are hidden
and I can see that.
But please stop throwing me around your life

you thought of me
when you sent me that IM
you thought of the words you wanted to type out when you clicked on my name

maybe you do care


I would like that,
even though I'm supposed to hate you.
I went blond
this is me
this is
just how I am
I feel this picture just
captures me in my environment.

I like to be calm. I like to be chill. 

I hate you

You whore
you user
and I just.. I just let you.
You told me not to tell,
but who is telling now?
It must be you.
only you.
why else would I be getting questions


You did not get what you wanted
and now
you hate me


I was happy being your friend
I was happy
you teasing me without knowing
I was happy
when you put your head next to mine
and when you
sat close to me when we watched TV
i was happy when you told me I was
I liked you trusting me
I liked you liking me
I like you showing yourself to me
I liked revealing myself to you

but you changed how you wanted me to see you.
You did.
but I still saw the real you
and you HATE it
and you hate me

And I started hating you when you tried to use me for sex, then throw me away.


and I lost you.

You are a WHORE.
and I

Get the fuck used to it
get the fuck out

show me your real side

You have nothing to prove to me

I want you

Do you not understand that?

I want our friendship,

Just don't
touch me again.
I'm laying here
next to my bed
I'm afraid to look under it
I feel like a beautiful woman is under there,
reaching out her smooth hand
to dig her sharp fingernail into my soft neck
she wants to watch the light go out in my eyes
she wants to watch my soul leave this world,
and travel to another
she wants to be the reason people cry and hurt
she wants to rub off her blood stained hands on my cold body.
There has always been a reason women wear their nails red, they're secrete killers

Monday, October 24, 2011

I am


What if you danced how I wanted?

his hands gently placed on her hips
with hers laced behind his head
it was wrong
she could promise it
he was the someone else
she looked to him and blushed
this was new
he had a this thing
his charm
his shape
his smell
hell, his one dimple
their bare feat were warm against her carpet 
her dad wasn't home
and they didn't go to school
they just danced
she would lay her head on his chest and take him in
he would place his hand on her back,
lead in to kiss her head
she'd breath out loud
and try to enjoy the moment that wouldn't last forever
she would think of how things would change
he would bring her back to right then with his lips
bring her in close 
hold her
care for her as she cared for him
he didn't care about forever
or even the next day
he was exactly what she wanted, exactly what she could have, exactly what she didn't get.

what if I did

what if I danced with you
how you wanted
all along
what if I said yes
and gave you me
like you wanted

what if you became sometime more,
and made me less?

Would you still talk to me
Would you still enjoy me

Would I still be this person you worked me up to be, 
and would I still see your soft side?

What if I did.
Would you still be an asshole to me.
Would you?

I've just been horrible is all

I wish i had a phone or something that I could just record everything on
i want to just get all my feelings out right when they're happening
sometimes writing just isn't fast enough

I've simply been horrible by being a gigantic bitch lately
to my friends
to my exboyfriend
to my affair man [or whatever you call the person you cheated on someone with]

I've done horrible things
and kept secretes and feelings in

now spill,

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

truth is..

go fucking kill yourself
all of fucking you

Truth is...
go fucking fuck yourself.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

what if someone stripped you of your ears
of your speech

would you still tell that you hate the world
would you still convince those of the bad
would you use your hands for your hatred

Could you dance the sorrow of your heart?
would you fill people with your tears?

What if you could only speak in one tone?

what if you could not feel the touch of others skin?
would you still reach out to touch another?

Would you stand alone,
in the middle of a crowd,
and watch another soul do what you cannot?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

This time I'm for real

Maybe this time around I'll show you who I am
"if you really knew me"
If you knew me,
you would know
that you don't really know me
because I don't really know me

I'm back

did anyone miss me?

Monday, October 3, 2011

School is getting...
people are staring more
and laughing..
i don't understand why they laugh
why they use laughing for pain
it's supposed to mean happiness

Why do they hurt me with their high jabs?
Why do they hurt me with their laugh?

Why do they hate me? what did I do?
what did I do to deserve these nasty stares and mean laughs..


Sunday, October 2, 2011


plants prune,
and you have to pluck off the bad parts, right?

take that, right there.
and remove.
right now.
tear them off
get rid of your bad
your unwanted

200th - her name is Courtney

I wanted to make my 200th post special, mean something to me I guess, I wrote this the other day in my German class, it's not finished. It probably never will be.

She flows like water,
beautiful in her step,
while her hair falls and twists.
It's wild of her way,
like her touch, I'm sure
She glides through her world,
feeling pain and love
sometimes lost, but sometimes she is found.
With a smile that is rare,
she does not fake
but as it comes to lift her face,
it takes mine with hers
For that moment we can share happiness
shat that power
she doesn't know my thoughts
and emotions
of her
of the poetry that is her
of the inspiration that is her
I imagine she smells of mist,
like perfume and water mixed to create what is her.
she used my jacket that she adores
I thought it might have smelled like her
It didn't
like it sat on the floor by her bed,
unloved once home,
once in comfort
It wasn't with her and neither was I
wonder if she could choose me
If I could feel enough
be enough,
to be some part of her
of her unique stance
of that attitude that is refreshing and new
I want to know how she views the world
ho she takes in people
where she feels her passion
what she views of dreams
I wonder what she sees in the mirror
how she sees me
I adore her