Thursday, September 29, 2011

the changes

I always feel so inspired and changed,
like I just want to start over
and over
andover

But I never fucking go anywhere.

and if I do, it's only for a short while

yes, i change

i just
its not enough
it's not full
i always just

go
back

 And I'm so sick of going back and feeling regret and pain and saddnes.  I just feel like im gone to

EXPLODE

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

naked

ive made a habit of sitting on my bed after i shower with my hair dripping wet and my skin still smooth.
it's calming just being human, do you understand?
i can just lay naked absorbed in thoughts, pushing away the world outside my locked door.
It has been raining the past four days and with every day I just feel worse and worse.
Today I cracked. I melted away.
all the anger and saddness combined into hot flowing tears, i needed to sob and yell and be as loud as I could.
But I couldn't.
I just..went into my bathroom and was as silent as possible.
I don't want to say this but really it was very...businesslike..like it seems all my actions are these days
get in get out forget forget forget forget get over it get over it.
i feel stripped of things on the inside -naked -bare-
I just feel so different. 
like every pair of eyes I look into will never understand.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I tried

you didn't call. you didn't say why. you didn't call me. you didn't tell me why. you didn't tell me.
Remember when we used to tell each other EVERYTHING?
when we woke up, when we ate breakfast, when we got out of the shower, when we got home from some place.
We were perfect stalkers of each other and I loved it and I hated it . I hated not having anything to myself. Never having room to plan with friends or just have a day to my family. Week by week we planned, you planned.
I love how every one of those days together were special,
but I wish I would've made time for friends, would have picked up the phone to call my exbestfriend.
But now I have way too much space and I want it filled with you.
I wonder how you would fill into my new life.
You used to be my life, the solid mass that things would be filled around, but now you would be doing the filling, and I'd be my own solid mass, standing strong and doing my own thing.
I wish we could have been more laid back,
I wish you wouldn't have been so afraid we wouldn't have enough time for us. It ruined it, It ruined my social life and the friendships with almost all of my friends.
Because That's what I wanted, I wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with me, and that just happened to be all the time.
It was amazing
wonderful.
The only thing I would change is how I felt about everyone but you.
I wish I would've held onto them.
Because everyone was right,
once you left I was going to be left with no one wishing I would've called my friends every few days.

But now I'm changed.
I am all my different faces and masks, I am my inside outside up-side-down backwards forwards.
I am learning to drive and babysitting every Friday.
I am spending my days reading or off having adventures with Ian or Janea or my bestfriend.
I am squealing over gossip and catching up on everything.
I'm checking out the guy in math class, and the other guy in there too.

I am looking every where and thinking of you-only you.
I am remembering more and more of the little things every day.
I remember like you're dead-or dying.
Like you are a "was" instead of an "is"
I know you are not dead, I know I get to see you in a little over a month, and that you are the voice on the other end of the calls that come on random day that come around 10:53 each time. That's always the time I see on the clock before You call a few minutes after,
like you were supposed to call yesterday,
like you were supposed to call this weekend,
like you promised you would call this weekend because You had plenty of free time.

Waiting and giving up makes me explode inside.
like all my clothes are too tight and I can breath.
I fucking hate that.
and it keeps happening over and over.
I just want us back in each others lives.
fucking a.
oh well, I already told you I understand when you get busy you can't do anything about it.
I hope you were busy.
Because I've been checking my phone all weekend waiting

The last day of junior high

On my last day of Junior High I was a total badass,
I wore a cape to school and danced everywhere.
There was this chick in my math class who just hated the fuck out of me so I got realll close to her, then turned around to face my friends, got their attention,
turned back at the bitch, pointed at her face and watched her crumple with embarrassment and maybe even fear as I song "I want it that way" by the backstreet boys to her.
It was one of the most amazing days of my life.
I love making great exits.

you decide

Saturday
saturday I was changed,
configured
i was three different people
I started of my day late, and walked up to the skate park.
Dressed up in my black tanktop, person number one.
I sat against the fence and yelled and nodded at my friends that were skating.
I put one knee up and looked at it, and I kind of giggled, asking myself
"When did I become the girl sitting in a skate park with friends, wearing purple fishnets under ratty jeans, looking like i don't give a damn?"
I guess it just happened really.
I can be anyone.
That evening I changed in to person number two,
the babysitter.
Pretty blue tank top under a clean sweatshirt, with nice slacks on.
I colored and fed them apples, read the little girls stories, tucked them in.
Who would believe I was Person number one after that?
At home I became Person number three, the roll I play often.
Snuggling under my blankets in my pajama pants, make up and everything still on, reading a book late into the night.
I think person three is a good one,
she likes her alone time and her books, but she also makes room for friends
person two concentrates on being a role model, doing things right, by the rules, being acceptable
person number one is probably my favorite though, she roames alone, until she wants to be bothered, she wears what she wants and doesn't care if anyone stares at her dark make up while she sits in the skate park reading incredibly girly books with pink covers and the name
Sarrah Dessen 
painted over the top

I love one and three, but two makes the cash, so I gotta keep her around.
Oh well, Two is chill sometimes.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I..I take it back

The last post, about not wanting to wait for anyone.
because
there is no need to give up.
there's always light at the end of the tunnel
(unless it's a German poem, then it's a tunnel that goes on for a very long time and eventually you are dead)
I told my bestfriend something, a little piece of my heart.
I said
"I know I have my crushes and everything, but some 'cute guy in math class' is nothing compared to Kyle. I love him, I feel like it's just always gonna be Him, ya know?"
and it made me think of Ian, and how many times I've said that to him, just in other ways
"I love being around you Ian, but it's always going to be Kyle. It just is"
And he was forced to understand that,
that I didn't want him. I want Kyle, and I'm always going to want Kyle.
Because he's just....him.
I can't explain it.
He's the name that scratches at my brain, my thoughts, he's the one that creeps to my mouth.
He's the smile I can trust,
the hands that I can hold.
He's my Kyle
my little gift, to hold in the palm of my hand,
to hold next to my heart.
He's the titleless title

and we're perfect



Thursday, September 15, 2011

Post Finished Book

And today I've had a line going through my head,
"strictly business"

Mostly it was on the subject of relationships.
Like Marriage. 
and I was thinking about Dan, he's just too old for me.
at least until my birthday next month.
And I'm not waiting a month just so I can feel okay with myself.
So I'm forgetting about it. We wouldn't have worked out.
I'll break it to him, somehow. The "before this begins I'm ending it" speech.


So I'm not doing that again.
waiting.

I'm just going to try to be a High School Girl.
how it's supposed to be.
No long-term thinking, planning, waiting.
Only strictly business - - - or ''teenage business'' more like

I'm going to somehow end up with a date to homecoming, because I'm not being left out of that shit again.
I'm just gonna wing it - just not plan.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

you just be drunk

COUSIN

You are ruining yourself, day. by. day. I get up from my bed to hear the dogs going nuts.
you are laying outside in the rain in the grass
you won't respond
you won't move
I can't help you
I went and got mom, and you
you
you
YOU
BASTARD
you smiled
I kicked your side and called you an asshole.
and went inside.
So much for caring
soon later you stumble up our stairs awhile later'
you come inside
and fall against the door and wall


You just sit there and be drunk Cousin,
with that new bandage on your wrist, 
and your 3rd missing phone.
You sit there and be drunk
I'm tired of helping
I'm done caring.
You
just 
sit
there
and bang your head at the wall as you are.
Fuck
You.

and this is going to my conversation tomorrow with my bestfriend about dan

"So how was yesterday?"

"It didn't happen.
he was taking forever to talk to me
and once he did, he had to leave,
then he didn't talk to me after that.
mind you I didn't have his number at the time, or my physco ass woulda been calling him.
so he signed on facebook like an hour after he said he'd be right back, and I was waiting for him to talk to me me
but he didn't
so I sent him an instant message saying
'I guess we're not doing anything today then'
and he said something about
giving him an hour
and oh yeah
my mom doesn't want me going over there yet, because she doesn't know if he's a creep or not.
so he wanted to hang out or
go on a date
or whatever we were supposed to be doing
at like
6:30
and my mom likes me to be home at 9 on weekdays.
so I told him some other time.
and then I found out the hour was him
playing
video games
with his bro
I said it was fine when he said to not take it personally.
but really?
who chooses videogames over a girl?
like damn.
and that's my story"

"Oh wow"

please don't blow me off

you skipper
and
you're going to leave before you are even here

I know this feeling.

It's rejection.

or it's distraction. you're supposed to talk to me now
about our 'plans'
plans that start in an hour and a half.

Oh gosh,
please don't blow me off.
it'll be a direct blow to this little soul

Don't you do that

don't you sit there with your judging eyes
don't you dare cross your arms and look at me as a monster
No, I don't look up,
no I don't say anything.
I can feel your eyes.
your hatred.
why hate me?
why hate this stranger you do not even know?
Don't you dare judge me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

feelin in the dumps

I just keep thinking about Kyle.
about what we were, about what we had. about how long we were an Us and everything that it was and meant.
Recently I haven't been ignoring his ex girlfriends from forever ago and figured out they were pretty freakin cool

but that just brings on all the memories
and it makes me real fucking sad.

It's like he's not real anymore, like he's just a guy in pictures.
a person from my best memories.
I miss the piss out of him,
and it hurts sometimes.
I mean, I LOVE being all flirty with guys and stuff.
But if I could have him as I did, they wouldn't even matter.
If I had him like I did, no one would matter

Not
dan
or
ian
or
tristan
or
keifer
or
anyone else I'm keeping my little eye on.

My Kyle matters.

My Kyle just doesn't exist anymore.

I miss him.

Monday, September 12, 2011

the question of the day is WHERE

where is my bearded dragons heat lamp?
why is there always something missing when I get to my moms?

Where is my phone? I think I left it in my bookbag..

Where was Dan?
I missed his company.

And
lastly.
Where have I been mentally? GodDamn.
There are so many worthy guys in my classes for me to attach myself to.
There's this one though
Tristan .
He is adorable with his facebeard, and I think he's only a year older than me, so that's a record.
I think he may be into me too ;)
I have his number now.

I move on easily after I decide, and moving on from Kyle is getting better and better

I love being fully single, no strings to anyone.

Nothing is ever simple

NEVER
NEVER
NEVER

god dayum.

Home life is tough. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Just...well say hello to..

Dan
He is on my thoughts. a lot

I said to him
"you're some kind of something."

then he replied
"I'm the best kind of something "

I'll get more into him later...
right now I just really wanted to say that.
This is the point when I say
for
get
you
.
Nice and slow, and broken off. Just as it was typed.
Feel it.
You don't care anymore and that is just fine.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

youcocksucker

I'm mad  at You.
a few of my Yous, actually.

fuck You,
call me allready

fuck you
why ignore me after last nitghs chat

fuck both of you.

Friday, September 9, 2011

im dying

tonight I'll do it.
ill just fall into death,
as I fall into bed
and they won't notice
my family. my friends. all the people.
I'm just going to disappear.
no one will know.
no one will mind much.
i'll be another sad memory
my school will make a small announcement
the people who cared will wonder how they didn't do enough.

No body fucking did enough.





Thursday, September 8, 2011

my block

I miss my laptop, and i want my house back. I hate having to be at Dads.
I just wish our water would turn back one so mom wouldn't have to feel so shitty.
Monday. Monat, I believe, in German. I'm really enjoying German this year.
I'm finally not falling asleep or laughing too much at him. Let's put it this way.
We have to learn a dance to go along with a poem. He practices before school.
Herr Hunt is a very funny man. I think he just needs some more love.
He loves me and my older sisters. Though they are more smart. That's tough..
Living in the shadow of two smart ladies. Being called by their name daily.
The new friends/people are a blast. I never thought it was possible for me.
But I'm fitting in just find with a few people who enjoy having me around.
School is turning out to be way better than I planned. Other then the bus.
They are packed three to a seat. 6thgraders-highschoolers. It's ridiculous.
Boys are being incredible horn-balls. I just want some friends, not dicks.
It feels like everyone but a few are males that I talk to. It's better that way,
less drama. I'm going to go now. I'm bored with my block right now...



Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

After School.

I got home to find a man at our door not 5 minutes later.
He told me that our water was being shut off.
I didn't know what to think,
Cousin pushed passed me and was talking to him,
he felt so guilty, the man.
His voice trembled when he said it.
maybe it was my eyes,
he might have seen how I wasn't a bad person.
Maybe he thought we were a decent family and didn't deserve it.
But he said it was just his job,
and if we paid had nothing to do with him.
I felt bad for the man,
having to take something away from a family.
But we filled our bath tub up with water so we could brush our teeth and flush the toilet.
The water should be back on soon.
I hope.
When mom got home she walked in while I was on the phone with
Ian.
He came over
we had our smiles,
and ran into people.
like we always do with him. -.-
and walked around with them.

I only knew of the guy,
Chris.
he was at least 6 feet tall and was bone skinny.
blonde hair
with a smile that proved he had braces for a long time.
Your lips get stuck thinking there's something to smile around.
He was amazing looking.
with his ripped jeans and blue and black plaid shirt,
poor style.
The best style,
not brand new shit.
But shit that looks nice when faded.

Then there was his girlfriend,
(one of) Kyles ex girlfriend.
Cristie
or how ever she spells it.
she was a short skinny wonder with jet black hair with a bandana tied around her small head.

She had a sister along with her too,
who was on the search for her boyfriend.
Kim.
She was chunky,
with flipflops.
but was generally happy.
She liked me.

They all liked me.

They all smoked,
and I don't smoke.
It gets a little awkward denying it so many times in a row.

after them we came back to my house to eat.
We had to warm up the food but he didn't - which was weird.
why would he not?
I did to show him that it's not out of the ordinary around here.
Maybe he feared he would catch Poor.

We sat in my room for hours.
Spilled secretes and untold things.
listened to music
expressed emotions.

It's bad,
because he wants me too.
But it's always going to be Kyle.
he said that tears him up inside,
because he got to me before him,
and his insanity let me go.
That's when he wasn't on pills.
That means he meant the things he said when he was drunk.
They were real.
He said he liked our kiss.
and wanted another one.
I told him that I didn't like tongue in my mouth,
that there's stages.
He laughed and said
"well that's good to know. But I was drunk!"

I helped him achieve a life goal of kissing a girl with braces.
woo
hoo
right.

When he had to go I held on real tight,
so did he.
I pushed up against him so It was everything.
We stood there holding each other.
I didn't want it to stop.
I love the feel of his hugs.
It's like the worlds pain melts away.
I moved my head down into his shoulders.
Almost into his neck.
To get the full affect.
Then we let go.
and he walked out the door.

Like last time.

I just hope he doesn't leave again.









School

the bus filled with too many people
there's boys in front of me, who always blast Hollywood Undead and I always sing along under my breath.
the girls next to me are afraid of not fitting in and don't smell normal.
The strange girl in the front is tall, with badly dyed blue hair.
Someone threw a thermos at her,
it hit her head and she
stood up,
anger and hate covering her face and said something intimidating like
"Who the fuck threw that?! seriously what the fuck who fucking threw that?!"
As if she would pounce on the person that did.
shoot her hate from her dagger eyes.
tear the person to shreds with words.
I would have cried if I was her.
pointless hurt stings.

at school was okay.
I was excited to get back to German.
I met a new person,
who knew no one.
I believe I was one of the first friends from here.
He's in my third hour,
which also makes him in my lunch.
In math he sits behind me,
in lunch right next to me.
I like his company.
I feel once he warms up to people he'll be once of those hidden treasures.
Those skinny jeans boys.
He liked me too,
I could tell once he didn't shake off given the chance.
He'll stick around.

Today I felt paranoid,
I feared my zipper on my pants was down even though I knew it wasn't.
Every time my name was called I feared people thinking
"oh I've heard of her, she a bitch
she's weird
she hangs out with so and so and he's weird
she dated this person
she's the teachers pet
she's never around people"
I feared them connecting my name to an assumption.
a label.
even some are true.

I am Christina.
I am not Christina the Bitch, Christina Who Was Dating Kyle, Christina the Weirdo.
I'm just Christina,
Fucking Christina.
NOT "Julies little sister"
But I can't help their thoughts.

I almost got sick at the sparks of interests I saw in nearly all my Guy friends.
My bestfriend did say I looked pretty cute though.
I'm glad,
because I didn't try.
I just wore my favorite sweater
pulled my hair back
let my bangs hang out.
had a touch of mascara on.
Just the way I like,
little makeup and comfort showing the soul.
I was just myself.

In some classes I didn't know anyone though,
and that kinda bombs.
But that's okay.
That means I get to be left alone sometimes.

School is going to be good.
I'll balance well.

Monday, September 5, 2011

the soul

I feel it coming out with every sentence
every bit of me
It's coming out,
the hatred, care, the thoughts
to everyone and anyone
every piece of clothing
every movie watched
book read
I'm forming and changing.

I've formed favorite words.
They are :
suppose
timid eyes
though
because
under
in
feels
wish
.

I love them all.
They describe me.
they're my life.


Zanna is a hidden beauty

the way she understands under her skin

from the two that don't mean much

I'm listening to this song because Boy1 gave me the songs of the entire album,
it's his favorite band
he loves the message
the voice
the lyrics.
I like it because he does
Boy1 is something out of a movie.
he was put here to make me wonder and question.
but then I have this game the Boy2 gave to me
I liked it because I could scream at losing
I like it because he spends a lot of his time on it,
at least the time in which he gets to chose what he wants to do

I like having these things.
THINGS
just because they enjoy them.

It's like they both gave me a piece of their soul with out even knowing.

I like being able to see into people,
using things they willingly gave me

I like to know how people enjoy and spend their lives.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

now after 3 weeks

I finally got to talk to Kyle.
finally.
our voices together..magic.
I told him about my dream, and he just said
"it's funny to hear I'm running away now when before your dreams of us were happy ones"
he accused me of having emotional problems.
insecurities I suppose
I told him he was right.

He said
"you know in a few days it'll be what? 10 monthes? i can't count..what is it?"
I choked. I stopped breathing. I stammered.
I said
"I..I didn't think we were together...this whole summer I've just been thinking we were technically broken up"
and he's been fucking sitting there counting the months.
but he took that light heatedly and agreed.
he said we didn't have to count the two months.
I said
"we can.. I'd just be a really bad girlfriend if so"
"how bad? like on a scale of 1 to 10?"
"I don't know, 11, I feel horrible. I feel so guilty."
"who?"
"it's complicated, i didn't want to. I don't want to talk about it"
"we promised we wouldn't hold anything back from eachother"
"do you..do you remember Aaron from our bus? well he came over, and starting telling me all this emotional stuff and started crying and we.....kissed and stuff.."
"And stuff?"
"We just kissed, it was nothing more"
"it's okay"
"I'm so sorry Ky, I feel so horrible."
"why did you kiss him?"
"I thought if I tried someone new it would stop me from feeling so lonely"

He told me that I should live my life how I wanted to, to not let him hold me back. but that he'd love to be in my life.
he said
"You know why we broke up, those few things. I was fucking crazy and worried about losing you, and I'd be gone. not there. I'm still not there Christina, that still hasn't changed. The reasons still haven't changed. I'm a different person now. this place has changed me. I'm still myself but I'm changed."
the way he kept saying he wasn't here
I cried
i didn't let him know that tears were falling down my cheek, getting the phone wet, falling on my thighs.
I just said
"why does that have to matter?"
"It does matter. it matters to you."
"It did"

It's like he doesn't realize that I just want him.
I told him over and over
I only want him
it's always been him
I only love him
I've only loved him. always.

It's like he's trying to scare me away from a relationship.
Like he thinks the distance will get rid of the way I feel.

I only need his voice
his love.

After tonight I just wonder if he still needs me.




I wonder

if anyone else yearns for the silence after having family over
or just any time really
If they wait, 
and plan
just for that perfect moment of just themselves. 
Just me. 
me and a book
a notebook
my laptop
a movie.
I crave the loneliness,
but when it stays too long I get sad
it stops being my warm blanket,
or my big sweatshirt  
it stops being those few moments of just me and the music.
It turn into 
When will they care?
do I matter?
did I ever matter?
it stops being the happiness of alone,
and turns into the sadness of that lack of drive
it begins to burn the edges of the best of me,
that can only be put out with love.
it starts the anger
the frustration of myself
of everyone around me
Does anyone understand?
will they?
I don't even understand.
I start to feel anxious.
did i send the right letter?
should I have said that?
when will they come? the people? 
is there something wrong with me?
when will I find someone to share in the oddness?
what happened to me?
when did I lose it?
when did I take it back?
is it back?
i think it's back
me
as I am
I'm back.
I'm okay
the inner me is out
the messy hair
the 
"I don't give a damn" attitude is there
a little of the care,
and love
it back.
But I'm still stuck in the middle of good and bad lonely 
I'm still anxious and think bad thoughts
but I'm more calm,
more accepting of where I am and where I'll be.
I guess I'm just

here



some 
damn
biker
fucker

in my dream

you were at school
you came back
and when i saw you I went running
we hugged and kissed
you let go
but I kept kissing you
I stopped when you did
and You had to get back to soccer practice or whatever you were doing
later that day
i went to your house,
your mom was there and at first she didn't welcome me in but then later we had some fun
catching up
she asked if I'd seen you lately
because she hadn't
I thought it was weird that you didn't go home
where were you then?
and why did you keep our hello so short?

plus one

he said
people
all deserve to die
I told him no,
because I didn't want to leave yet
he said I was a person + 1
so that means I don't have to die

his friendship is not a friendship.
it's just two people talking.
but I like how he welcomes me in his life
how I'm "on his side"
how I don't count as a person,
because I'm better than that.

I'm held high
in a way.
like there is some hidden part of me that he can see and I can't
maybe its just out there though
maybe the inner part of me is not so hidden anymore,
and people are catching on.

but why now?
why the interest now?

Saturday, September 3, 2011

im not sure if its strange or not

so i realized I haven't been posting on my blog a lot
but i don't have to anymore.

Because I'm not keeping these things a secrete anymore
im finding ways to say it
people to say it to
I don't have to bottle up everything now
it seems like people are starting to care more I guess
or maybe I'm just getting better at keeping friendships.
maybe its that, i have a few friends now that I talk to often.

I bet ill be back and posting all the time once school starts up though in a few days.
i dunno.
i guess i just dont feel complete unless I post on my blog.

even though I don't think anyone watches my words.