Sunday, September 25, 2011

I tried

you didn't call. you didn't say why. you didn't call me. you didn't tell me why. you didn't tell me.
Remember when we used to tell each other EVERYTHING?
when we woke up, when we ate breakfast, when we got out of the shower, when we got home from some place.
We were perfect stalkers of each other and I loved it and I hated it . I hated not having anything to myself. Never having room to plan with friends or just have a day to my family. Week by week we planned, you planned.
I love how every one of those days together were special,
but I wish I would've made time for friends, would have picked up the phone to call my exbestfriend.
But now I have way too much space and I want it filled with you.
I wonder how you would fill into my new life.
You used to be my life, the solid mass that things would be filled around, but now you would be doing the filling, and I'd be my own solid mass, standing strong and doing my own thing.
I wish we could have been more laid back,
I wish you wouldn't have been so afraid we wouldn't have enough time for us. It ruined it, It ruined my social life and the friendships with almost all of my friends.
Because That's what I wanted, I wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with me, and that just happened to be all the time.
It was amazing
The only thing I would change is how I felt about everyone but you.
I wish I would've held onto them.
Because everyone was right,
once you left I was going to be left with no one wishing I would've called my friends every few days.

But now I'm changed.
I am all my different faces and masks, I am my inside outside up-side-down backwards forwards.
I am learning to drive and babysitting every Friday.
I am spending my days reading or off having adventures with Ian or Janea or my bestfriend.
I am squealing over gossip and catching up on everything.
I'm checking out the guy in math class, and the other guy in there too.

I am looking every where and thinking of you-only you.
I am remembering more and more of the little things every day.
I remember like you're dead-or dying.
Like you are a "was" instead of an "is"
I know you are not dead, I know I get to see you in a little over a month, and that you are the voice on the other end of the calls that come on random day that come around 10:53 each time. That's always the time I see on the clock before You call a few minutes after,
like you were supposed to call yesterday,
like you were supposed to call this weekend,
like you promised you would call this weekend because You had plenty of free time.

Waiting and giving up makes me explode inside.
like all my clothes are too tight and I can breath.
I fucking hate that.
and it keeps happening over and over.
I just want us back in each others lives.
fucking a.
oh well, I already told you I understand when you get busy you can't do anything about it.
I hope you were busy.
Because I've been checking my phone all weekend waiting

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