rule of life

when you're being secretive, don't play dumb when someone catches on. You'll just look stupid. Let them know as though you are proud and don't hold anything back.

its sadness

it's overpowering
my heart bursted
waves of hurt
or longing
of love
are pouring out.
the pain

it
hurts

I want to be there

I want to lead against him
hold him
kiss the lips that are meant to be mine

I miss
I miss..

the past few days..

I've been a little busy.
Surprisingly.
I've been shopping,
I've been talking one the phone more.
Spending more time with one of my sisters.

I made cookies,
and couldn't help but smile through the whole process.

Baking makes me so happy.
my whole family knows this.
My sister calls me the Fairy when ever she sees me pulling out the flour,
It's the Baking Fairy, for short.
It's been given to me after we realized I was the only one of the three sisters who could bake
I'm actually the only one with a few more things,
the ability to understand trends and fashion (although I normally don't follow)
makeup, sadly the other two have no clue how to properly use makeup
those two along with baking makes me a pretty good Girl.

I've also spent more time reading,
once down at a local park.
I was sitting on top of a play tube when I looked around and realized  people would and will be looking at me.
It made me wonder if any of them were jealous.
Jealous of the girl sitting and reading all on her own, with her own way of getting there and leaving, with no desire to talk to any of the the eyes that were peering at her.
I bet there was at least one person jealous of the position I could put myself in.
One, if anything.
With good reason too, I'm very happy with my life right now.

And it's about to get a lot better this weekend, when I can start hanging around Ian again.
and even more so in a few weeks time when I can talk to Kyle more - even webcam each other.
Not to mention school starts in a week, where I will have to stay focused.

Things are just really really looking up.
I have a reason to smile - to wake up in the morning.
Everything is going to be okay.
It was always meant to be okay.

Where are you?

I am here,
waiting.

I'm not sure what to do now that Ian is coming back. With him not wanting to forget the other night and me being famous for speaking my mind I'm not sure were we are going to be.
Can I handle being alone with him in his car?
what about walking close in the mall? or watching a movie at his house?
he has a thing for turning off the lights then.

Will we be able to find a normal that suits us? or will we go back to not talking so often?

Our lifestyles don't exactly clash, but that's what makes it fun.
we make each other smile

We help fill the others void too. It's been said in many ways but not straight out.
things are just okay around each other. We have that shoulder to cry on while having that person to laugh with.
Our friendship is a beautiful thing.
I love it.

We don't judge each other,
and anything from spending the night while moms gone
to painting our nails,
is just a part of our relationship.

I can tell him things not a lot of people care to listen to,
and he can tell me the little things his heart whispers.
Questions are always answered truthfully, and we both have lots, well me more than him.
I like knowing his inside.

things will be better once he gets a girlfriend, because he goes through those like I go through books.
Some times it takes a long time to read, some times only a few days.
and it will be better once I talk to Kyle.
The title behind the feelings will make it easier to explain him to not only Ian but every one else who says
"so I know it was a while back but what ever happened to you and Kyle??"
then I'm all. derp. awkward sentence. explaining love. derp. something about letters. derp. something about my mistakes and more awkward then more love then lastly derp.
when I really just want to say
"we broke up for the summer, but now we're back in action! bow chicka wooow wooow" or something like that to switch to other things.

having Ian back is going to be great, he's one of the males I crave time around. there is only a few.
I think it's the lack of a brother, and how I always wanted an older one.
I have two older sisters that I don't talk about really, but I'm very close to one of them.
I love her. I'd do almost anything to keep her safe.

It's been bugging me because I want to tell Ian that I love him.
But it's not in the romantic way, it's in the "I care a lot about you" Kind of way.
like a bestfriend, but more then that.

I guess you could say it's complicated

things are looking up

ian is coming back
i get to talk to Kyle more
I am closer with GamerBoy
mom got a good check so
i got to get calling back on my phone
i have new clothes
school is soon.

im just, excited.

I dream of him by night while he dreams of me by day

he drives me insane when I keep him sane

we have different views

peace

war

religion

love

I am all him while he is not always all me

i think more logically with our relationship,

and I am in charge

he gets to choose when to talk,

and when to see each other

it always worked out.

We were almost never the same but somehow always gave good feedback, and never took the other down for something.

there was always love and never false or forced care.

we had respect.

we had eachother,

and his blankets to lay underr

his roof to sit on

the mall to go to

movies to see

my couch to sit on

our mouths and minds to talk

his games to keep us to appear not doing something wrong, because we could sit there and talk fr hours.

or not talk.

just sit there, lie there. 

holding each other

or just holding hands.

Or he would be on top of me,

or me on him,

and we would be having fun that way.

everywhere and anywhere.

lol.likethreehandjobsatthepark.lol

how I would scratch into his back, and be amazed with him at the blood.

how I would always make noises, and he would count, and get more turned on with every time.

and those times webcaming, i think that counts as sexting or something.

We were really good at being teenagers,

but we were really good at being friends, being able to go on walks and talk for hours.

always finding something to laugh at.

He would call me every night to say goodnight, if I had not called him. even when he was at a friends

or I was

and we hadn't talked all day that day,

or all weekend

we would say goodnight.every night.and we did. for the 7 months I got to be with him before the Army became his new girlfriend.

We knew it was love from day one,

it was unspoken but we both knew,

and he knew I need to wait to say it.

too soon might be too much.

He said it after he finished singing a song for me,

took my hands and said

"I love you"

I looked into his eyes, and for the first time I said 

"I love you"

it was beautiful.

He wouldn't like it when I called him beautiful, but it was true.

From his jaw line to his busty shoulders to his thin waist and muscular back.

He was the definition of sexy to me. as I was right back to him.

it was amazing how attracted we were to each other.

I loved his horrible hair days and nonmatching outfits as much as he loved my pale makeupless face of winter.

we were Gold.

perfect.

we are chained at the heart,

and no saw can cut through

he is my Home, no matter the distance

no matter my thoughts of moving on

we are meant to be.

We

Us

I want our title back.

I miss it more then him, I can handle the distance, but I can't seem to handle not calling him Mine.

I talked to Ian today

he told me he was coming back from wheeever the fuck he is away next weekend
and asked what we said while he was drunk

I'm super excited to have him back. I just want him in my life.
and when he asked this is how it went
"so I know we talked the other night but i don't remember what I said, what did we talk about?"
"oh i dont want to tell you that"
-silence-
"we just talked about um, mutual feelings and stuff"
"huh?"
"mutual feelings..."
"feelings about what?"
"just never mind Ian if you don't remember then you don't need to know. i just want us to be friends"
-silence-
-getting back to normal conversation-

I hope he gets over it fast.
but I wish he remembered, because I liked a lot of the things he had said.
I wonder if he meant them?
did he mean to say he only wanted me, that I make him happy?
or was that just somehow funny to him at the time, while his brain was distracted with vodka.
I never thought about that.
But I guess he's been thinking about it awhile though, because he told me a few days ago that he needed to talk to me, and that's what it was about.
I miss him, as a person.
I wish I could make him happy, but it's better for us to be bestfriends rather than date for a month and not talk or something horrible.
It's not that I fear things wouldn't work out, because I don't need to fear, I already know. He's too old for my parents to handle, and he wouldn't provide the kind of affection I would need.
And I'm not really that attracted to him,
like I could never imagine us hardcore making out or having sex.
like I could with Kyle, but we haven't got to sex yet..
virgin eyes for me.
I think I'm just going to go with Kyle. I know he's not here, but he will be eventually.
Things will work out for us.
because we're Us.

I wish heart would just answer

should I stay or should I go?

should I date him and possibly leave for another person, or should I just wait for that other interest to come

I think I'll just,
GO


and wait.
wait for someone other then him.
kiss a person and not date.

get things on track
not be held back

but thinking of saying Goodbye again  makes me sick
and what I want right now is to see him

but I can't see him
wishing won't solve that.



love is too fragile

I just want to say this.

dear anonymous1,
I'm sorry I said forever and lied. I'm sorry I didn't stay true with you. I'm sorry I was always afraid.
I wish you could be here. I wish I could hold you. I wish this summer never happened, and you never left me.
I wish I never had to get over you. I wish you were around. I hope we can be together in the future.

dear anonymous2,
I'm sorry I pushed you away. You have to understand the feelings I had at the time though. We couldn't be together because of my horrible guilt, and I loved him more. Not that I loved you..
I wish I still had you here with me.

dear anonymous3,
Fuck. why did you have to be so freakin interesting to me?
why do you come in the dead of night, in my time?
why did it seem like there would be something and when there wasn't?
I wish I would've had the guts to say something
I wish you would just talk to me.

dear anonymous4,
I love you. Straight out I just do. as a friend, sister, lover, brother, what ever you want. I wish I could be the one to be there. to make you happy.
But I'm so glad I have you as a friend. I'm glad we can be happy in that way.
I'm glad you never get mad at me, and always hear me out.
Thank you for always being there.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

do you ever feel like you're too late?
like you completely missed someone
you didn't pick up the phone on time
you didn't care when you should have

or like me

you waited
you fucking waited for your "right time" and now it's completely gone.

I missed my chance.
and now I'm pissed.

just very disappointed

I found myself with a new face, a new person. He was cool. Our talking was casual.
I thought maybe he needed a new friend as much as me.
Maybe it was our age difference, but honestly, after this summer I don't really think guys care about my age anymore.
one was 5 years older
one was 3
this one is nearly 4

But anyways
I thought this could be the lasting thing I was looking for
someone to call and hang out with
someone to be there for me and care like I do with them.

But I guess this wasn't meant to be that.
It's a shame how trusting I am in people.
They all say they won't leave.
Liars.

I made a journal

It's actually an old one, with pages ripped out and now plaid paper and green ducktape  on it.
but it's 'new' now
that's where I'm going to write now.

that's not very cool

now you having two IMs from me
from different times
is not going to look good >.>

Look at me as more than a person.

I am a fallen angel. You are a risen demon.
We clash and trade rolls.

I speak with my timid eyes and you speak through your closed mouth

We live by night and wander by light

If I call you my Love would you call me your Mistake?
we could live like that

You last forever
take me with you

We can live in tree trunks

You can take me to your castle

Teach me what you know.
Please

Come a little closer

Let us live

The moon is shining bright tonight,
shall we celebrate?

Or should we just stay here?

Look into my eyes. Can you see the past

I can see you, you are growing soft

You are so different.

No one has your skin.
No one has that heart

You are a beast

You teach me to be afraid

I teach you how to love

I am the beast

You learn to be loyal

I learn how to obey

Let us leave

You want to go
I don't want to stay

You are blind

I am strong

You ruin me by thought

Let us die

Your impression is kept

My mind is saved

We can leave

oh Dan

lol
you make me smile

I wish everyone could know what I think of them

I wonder how that would turn out. I'm sure it wouldn't turn out to well. All of those ladies who have perfect legs, or all of those strange people who need to take a bath.
But it would be nice. I wouldn't have to hide feelings from anyone. Some could know how amazing they are, some could know how much of a jerk they are.
I wonder what people would think of me.
I realize that they would probably be thinking too much of themselves to have an opinion on me though.

oh there's that smile

Today has been rather enjoyable.
I got exactly what I wanted out of it and more,
and it's not even finished yet.
Oh. Wipe that smile off your face.
Never.
:)

Move in reverse

oh I have this lyric line caught in my head.

"close your eyes. 

clear your heart.

cut the cord."

Its by The Killers, 

when ever I hear that It just makes me think about all of the things I need to let go. How If I just step back and close my eyes, my next breath will get rid of it all.

Lets start somthing

as soon as I wake up I want change.

I'm going to wake up and get things done.

Start off fresh, again.

But this time have it be a good Fresh,

a Fresh that is okay with not only myself but also others.

Happiness is formed when the people around you are pleased.

Actions that effect more than myself should now start to only be good ones.

Actions that do not give the others bad feelings.

I will now try to get back to caring instead of considerate.

Considerate is for pricks. I need to care more. That's just it.

I'll call people who I haven't talked to in awhile. I'll find pleasure in the headaches that it will give me.

I will clean my room like my father nags about, and I will do things around the house to help.

I need to just be something. I'm tired of being a nothing. I'm wasting the time I have left to be alive. I could die any day now, any year.

who am I, really, lately?

lately I am a girl who

• cannot sleep when she wants
• wishes for things that are too out of reach
• wants the past to come back
• is lonely
• feels the need to change her style
• hasn't found herself fully
• can't wait for the beginning of the school year
• is unhappy with the present
• needs to get a life, really.
• spends too much time alone at the park
• ignores her family with books
• expects people to care about her even with her lack of trying after failing

I can't help but feel lost really.

That's isn't me.

That is not who I want to know.

That's not how I want to describe myself.

But it is me.

I am the only one who can change that.

What a sad thing,

holding my life in my hands,

and letting them get dirty.

Letting those same hands get chopped up and abused.

I hope in a few weeks time I'll learn to control myself.

This year doesn't matter much.

No important tests,

not many first impressions.

I still want to feel better.

I fear I'll turn into the person I was at the end of last school year though.

Passing by friends

headphones in place

eyes set forward.

Lost in our library

sitting alone writing my dislike of attention.

I didn't realize I would regret that in a few months.

when I lay away thinking about the fact that only roughly 10 of my summer days have been taken and used up.

2 by the friend that won't let go

2 by the one with a need to tell me her problems

1 by the guy who was tragically sad that I regrettably tried to cheer up

4 or 5 by the guy who left me when I most needed a friend.

Considering I wish two of those days didn't exist,

1/5 of my time with others was bad.

and more than half of that time was a waste of confused feelings.

I know it's selfish,

but I wish I had someone I could be lonely with.

I wish I could have someone to call when I'm feeling extra guilty or have an odd dream.

I wish I had someone to act silly with and do fun things with.

I wish I had a Bestfriend.

someone's house to go to,

or even a phone to call.

I wish I had someone I could tell everything to.

I wish I had Kyle back.

my bestfriend.

my boyfriend.

the one who would always listen,

and give me good advice.

The one whose house is right there,

and could always run over to give me a quick hug.

or kiss.

I miss those lips.

They are odd, really.

sort of small.

But I wish I had a bestfriend.

one I could tell all this to,

one who I could smile with.

I only need one person really,

one person who only also needs one person,

or at least has time for someone with those needs.

I need someone.

I need someone really bad.

I'm at the point where I really can't stand being alone so often.

You'd be surprised

Appearance is a lot.

It's not everything.

Bright eyes

and

wide smiles

is happiness to everyone

no matter the dark makeup

or the short skirt.

We all have the joy of loving the bass in a car full of people we don't mind being seen around.

there's always the calm feeling of being talked to after a horrible dream

you can never forget the feeling of having your nose kissed

Just because we don't all get the same high doesn't mean we all don't smoke the same drug.

being separated by oceans does not mean we do not have similar thoughts and feelings

Teaching people hatred and war will not bring the peace.

One voice is never enough, but the ears that hear that voice are.

Angry Tears

they're coming.
again.
I wish they would just go away
I wish I could just go away.

I suppose the world doesn't want me to express myself anymore.

Writing is the only thing left after people failed me
and music was never enough
and I was better than drugs,
and alcohol just couldn't do it for me.


Humans ruin their selves too often.

It's a real freakin shame.

I hope you see this.

Don't block out people.

I was still reading

and

following your life.

The way you express yourself is like a drug.

Brushin' my teeth

Things are to go back to normal now.

I'll be floating.

Sleeping.

Writing.

Now it's time for normal.

Not bad just...

just alone is all I suppose

I have to get back to working out anyways.

Dieting helps keep my mind full.

school starts up on the 6th anyways.

Maybe I'll look good for my future peers that will learn to hate me.

and school will help keep the lonely at bay,

maybe I'll even meet a few people who will mean something to me.

Maybe I can find replacements for the people who left

Soon I'll go shopping,

and I can get some new clothes to aid the new me that old people steer clear of.

That pisses me off.

Whatever, old lady.

So the fuck what if I have chains on my pants.

Suck a wrinkly dick.

You could handle me two weeks ago in my tan sweeter.

Just because that turned into a studded jacket doesn't mean I'm changed on the inside.

I just really don't like the demand for people who can and want to spend time with me.

Demand=zero.

I caused it, sure. But I tried to fix it with plenty of people.

Sometimes it just gets lonely waking up at 1 and not having any reason to get out of bed.

no missed calls

or

offline IMs.

I understand people are busy and everything,

but I know people who make time for me that are busy.

I guess I just wish I had more people I had a mutual care for.

This school year I'm going to try to be not stuck on this summer,

or on the people who left.

I'm just going to try to not be held back by it.

I know I keep good company.

I know I'm an interesting person.

I feel so damaged for no fucking reason.

I was always the smile and the hug.

Sense when was I the one in need of one of those?

I always hold on for too long and

have to accept when people want to let go.

Because people always let go in one way or the other.

They either stop caring, or stop calling.

Leave or give me reason to leave them.

I feel like a stranger.

I just don't even know who I am anymore.

I used to be the one takling about how exciting my life is,

how all the drama is fun,

how all the friends and people are crazy.

We would all always joke about how I should write a book about it.

And now...well now that Christina is gone.

What's left?

Sarcastic spunk, and maybe a little pinch of whore, topped off with no friends and no drive for life.

I'm so fucking pathetic. It's really no wonder people don't like me.

I'm looking forward to school so I can Learn and Read.

I walk to the park with a book in my arms.

The person I look forward spending time with is my Drunken Cousin.

At least he can give me vodka....

The closest thing I have to a boyfriend is a guy I'm desperately in love with and I won't see for months, not to mention I kissed basically a stranger on his birthday, and then got drunk and got feelings and kissed the guy he probably hates the most spending time around me.

Oh, and my day? Yeah. It's filled with laying around and maybe going swimming with my mom.

And we're poor over here, and she steals money from me.

Then my dad's a rich fucking dick who acts cool sometimes.

Oh you're life sucks sooooooo bad huh, kid?

I can really just shut up.

I cause all of my problems.

or at least most.

I talked to him the other day

well yesterday actually.

They won phone time and

he was so excited

he made my whole day better.

I already lost him, then I lost Ian.

But then he called.

We got to talk for a half hour.

It was amazing.

Hearing him say "I love you".. I just,

I can't explain it.

I miss everything about him.

He said he could call next Sunday too.

That gives me something to look forward to.

Something amazing.

His voice.

Maybe soon I'll be able to tell him what's really going on with my summer.

I won't have to hide.

He can finally know about everything.

Soon, soon.

Maybe Sunday.

Then he would know.

I feel better

I'm as alone as can be

but

atleast I have myself.

he's gone

im crying

he

left

he just

he just

moved

and didn't tell me

Tennesee.

every body is fucking leaving me

Kyle

Ian

They promised,

they both promised

in one way or the other

the promised they wouldn't leave me

they promised.

For awhile I wore Tripp clothing.

My favorite jackets are actually Tripp brand.

then my style changed to cloths that were more in style.

but now I kinda wanna go back.

I pretty much am drooling over these

Try not to be a

"me"

try to be an

"us"

His Holiness the Dalai Lama,

is teaching me new ways of thought.

I picked up this book,

and it's pretty kick ass.

I like this one line, its right in the beginning.

It's something like,

"Ignorance is not just the lack of knowledge about how people and things

actually exists but an active mistaking of their fundamental nature"

so it's to say,

they are not stupid in their ways, only unable to see the real side of a situation.

I hope this book helps me to be less ignorant and less jealous.

It talks about when you do things you have to keep other peoples happiness in mind,

because making them happy will make you happy in the long run,

in in the long run is what counts because that's when you can be at peace with yourself,

and maybe the world will be at peace with you.

you and everyone else.

And because we were all fortunate enough to be humans,

we should do everything we can to get the peace.

I really like how they think.

It's like, never be mad at a person, because in another life they could be your best friend, your parent, even you.

It's really beautiful

I screw myself over too often

FUCK

I wish I could've known my grandma fully

It's been about two years

I wish she could be there when I graduate

when I get married

when I have a kid

when I get engaged,

get an award

I wish I could've grown up more around my grandma.

She was a very strong soul

I always either smile or frown when I see a butterfly

She loved them

she loved the little things like that

she never took things for granted

I wish she could still be here

My heart is selfish

it takes too much

and doesn't give enough back

my heart doesn't consider the hearts that keep it beating

it just,

Lives.

My heart it's,

mean but kind

it's caring

and loving, of course.

But it's very very selfish.

It needs to learn.

It needs to find out it's normal.

It speaks the truth,

just needs better timing.

I wish the other night would not have happened.

his words are still in my head,

floating around,

scratching the sides.

I asked him where he would want to be to be happy right now, thinking he'd give me a place.

He answered with a

"To be honest.." long pause "..well to be honest, I really only want to be with you."

then he'd say things like

"I wish I would've got to you before him."

and how when he's with me,

I'm his Happy when I'm there

and

he told me he wouldn't leave me

after I said I'm afraid he's going to walk out of my life

and

he didn't mean it in a romantic way

he meant it in a

"No matter what happens, I'll always be here" kind of way.

and he said he would never go

he would be here forever

and I just, I told him he was lying,

but inside I have a feeling he's not.

We still stayed close after we broke up two years ago,

we still tell each other secrets and can hang out

Even when I had to wake him up,

the morning after we got drunk,

(because my mom was coming home soon, and he needed to leave)

well when I woke him up things were okay.

we went outside so he could smoke

and then we went to my room and got his stuff together

and he looked at me

and I looked at him

and I just, it hurt to know I was causing him pain,

but there was more awkward in the air than pain,

so I said something like "something feels weird.."

and he turned his head to look at me weird

and I just wrapped my arms above his shoulders,

and we hugged for a long time.

I didn't know how to get out of the hug without it being weird,

and I didn't want him to kiss me again,

so I swung back and forth jokingly and said

"now get outta my hair!"

and we laughed and had smile eyes,

then he just walked out and

got in his car

and everything was okay

and things between us weren't awkward really.

and I just thought

Well God, maybe he's not lying,

even after last night,

when I told him we couldn't be together

and we poured out feelings

we could still joke and be friends.

Maybe he really will never leave me.

I would be,

really really sad if he fell out of my life.

I never want us to lose each other.

We've been through some shit though

and had some drama.

But now he's on meds,

and doesn't get as mad anymore.

and now my parents are okay with our age difference,

even though it was never a big deal to me,

only about 3 years, not that bad.

and now he has a car,

so I don't have to worry about rides.

everything fits now

and there are no problems

He'll get over me soon,

he always does,

just like I always do too.

I can't wait until the weekend is over with

because he's busy during it

and I can't wait to see if he stays true to his word

that things will be okay

that he won't leave me

that we'll still have each other

it's his turn to call,

we have a thing going on,

but i called him the last two times actually,

so now it's his turn to make plans.

I wonder when he will.

I wonder if he was lying

I just want to see if things work out.

I always had a problem looking into his eyes,

but i wonder now if he'll form the same problem.

I wonder if he'll stand next to me,

or across from me.

I wonder what he'll expect of me.

I told him that night

i said

" In the morning you can blame this all on the vodka if you want"

and he said

"well what if I don't want to?"

so I said

"I guess we'll just see"

Now I guess is that time, where we're gonna see where we are.

I wonder if he remembers it all,

or if it's only sparks of our chats.

I wonder if he remembers coming into my room with me,

and pulling me in with one arm

and

kissing me

then

me pulling away because

now he's the second guy this summer who tried to tongue kiss on the first kiss.

It's like no one respects stages anymore.

I like lip to lip action.

no one tongue kisses well anymore.

I've only really had one guy.

and he had the most beautiful long tongue.

we would makeout for hours.

But I wonder if he remembers the things that I said

I wonder if he really meant the things that started with

"in all honesty..."

I wasn't really that drunk,

just a little tipsy

but he was.

He had things in his head to get away from.

he told me to never do drugs,

after I said I wouldn't do them

and I asked him why he did them, but told me not to

and he said

"I don't want you getting mixed up in that stuff. it's really horrible"

so i told him,

"Ian, if you really feel that way why don't you just stop? set your own example"

he looked at me like he's never heard such a thing and replied

"yeah. yeah I will. I'll stop"

he's not even doing it for me. he's dong it for him. it's beautiful

and I told him to promise

so we laughed and pinky promised

and I'm proud for him.

I hope he can pull through with it

but hanging around me might help

because i'm not gonna be asking him to smoke pot

or

take pills

or anything

I'm more into clean fun,

or alcohol

well, I'm into things that I shouldn't be doing really.

hehe.

but it's not bad it's more,

stuff that my parents would frown at

they think I'm the good kid

but really,

I'm just really good at covering things up and

making excuses

I always find a way to tell them the truth but not tell them what I'm up to.

sometimes all even say it in a joke though

"yeah mom, when you leave we're gonna party"

then she just comes in and jokes too.

the other night is still in my head and hiding behind my lips

but for now I'll stop.

I'm empty now.

He's sleeping on my couch.

Snickers Snick IAN.

he's sleeping on my couch.

he came over, once my mom left for her night shift,

we drank with Cousin.

the feelings poured out of both of us,

we cuddled

and

kissed.

And talked about our feelings and I

told him we

couldn't

date

and explained about Kyle

and he told me

he'd wait for me

because im the only one he wants to be with

because

he cares most about me

because

"I'm worth it"

and I just. I want to date him, I really do.

I want to hold hands and go on dates.

But I love Kyle. And I don't want to lose him.

choose Kyle, lose good company with Ian,

choose Ian, lose everything with Ky.

im so confused >.<

oh but there's more

I not only had a dream about Snickers, I had one about Kyle too.

He came to visit me for like 4 days and

oh my God it was amazing.

Mom let him spend the night

It was so lovely spending time around him.

we kissed and held hands.

we were constantly in touch with each other.

I miss him so much >.<

This is one of those times I wished people liked to listen

So of course I had a dream about Ian.

(I think I'm gonna start calling him 'Snickers' or 'Snick'-for short)

So in my dream me and Snick were hanging out.

He was sitting next to me,

and I leaded over on him,

and he wrapped his arm around me,

and used his hand to hold mine.

We just sat there like that.

the whole dream.

OMG BRAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Where did you come from?

yes you.

the new one.

I don't see how we have anything in common,

and I'm not going to follow you just because you followed me.

I HATE/LOVE HOW GUY CRAZY I AM

I just....

I wish I didn't have to have all of this confusing emotion.

it's hard enough thinking thoughts of abandonment when Mr. I Smell Really Nice swoops in.

Oh save my day, Dear Kind One.

Fuck feelings.

part of me really just wants to act on them.

Highly Toxic shit there.

I already fucked up my lovelife enough with the Pity Kiss Day.

I just wish I could sit on his lap,

so he could wrap his arms around me.

I wish I could fall asleep smelling his sweet smell.

I wish I could hold his hand.

I wish I could rest my head in his lap.

"Cuddle without commitment"

Maybe we can hit that point though,

if I get real lucky.

where I can just come over and sit on his lap.

without it being weird.

just as friends, you know.

I just miss Kyle a lot. that's all it really is. I wish I could do all those things plus tons more with him. It's so freakin hard not having him around and having to deal with these stupid emotions and urges.

hidden eyes

hello

I love you too

it's not fair,

this world.

I wish we could be little kids,

and grow up together.

Wouldn't it be nice?

being close without any other factor.

Just two kids holding hands waiting for the bus,

lunches packed with "I love you" notes from Mom.

It's not fair really,

how we can't be more close.

How our hearts don't have any more room.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

The Feelings Monster

it's after me.

I don't want them.

I just want to shake them all off and stomp on those dang feelings.

I like the way things are with Ian.

I don't want him catching on to my feelings monster,

because I don't want him to get feelings,

because I don't want us to even have to talk about anything feelings related.

I fucking love spending time with him.

I love it to pieces.

I don't want it to be ruined or become awkward,

because I just love being around him.

I just can't help feeling jealous of other people though,

and happy when I say something an he looks at me in amazement.

I love making him smile,

making him laugh.

I like feeling like a little happy ball that he gets to keep in his back pocket.

And I love how we can watch a movie together in a dark room and not have anything weird.

I love everything that makes up our friendship,

and I'm so scared the stupid feelings monster is gonna ruin it.

I'm scared.

I'm getting attached again.

it's something about males.

I just feel so lost without their company.

it's like any guy could fill my void.

it's like i spend a few days with them and instantly I'm wondering about the next time I'll see him.

erg.

It's not that I have feelings for him,

oh no, (well maybe a little)

I dont want to date him.

I just want a guy to talk to and hang around.

it's almost like I crave the awkwardness.

I like male company,

maybe because I like to tempt them?

I don't know.

I'm just glad guys don't know how much I feed off them.

I had such a good day yesterday

I loved hanging out with him again.

God, I'm so happy right now.

THREE things happened today that all on their own could have made me happy!

I ran into Hunter, who i haven't seen in months.

I ran into Ian, who I haven't seen longer than Hunter! we hugged and made plans for tomorrow xD

and yeah

the third

im smiling so hard right now

.

..

...

..

.

I got a letter from Kyle!!

It's at my dads so I can't see it until tomorrow, but im so so so excited to read it!

I can't wait for him to tell me everything that has been going on!

I still smell a little like Ian right now, must be the rain that kept his scent on me.

but aarrrggg
!!

:DDDD

The three of the like five guys in my life that I wasn't expecting even a word from all popped up in one day!! ;D

I can't wait to rip open his letter!

and I can't wait to hang out with Ian!

berr sooo

today was crazy

I tried to go running outside

but it was just so hot.

I went inside after only about 6 minutes of that.

I felt like I was going to faint,

I needed water.

Then the cramps came.

I tried to go to the bathroom

empty something

empty

that's all I was concerned about.

i became dizzy

shaky

the pain..

it was all over

I got on the floor after quickly putting a towel on it

and i laid there

dizzy

hot

shaking

in pain

cramp filled

it felt like it lasted for ever

I tried to get up,

i needed to go downstairs to get under a fan

I almost fainted

I gave in

and called my dad

he got my grandma to come over

to cool me down

give me sugar filled food

make me drink water

I got better as soon as I cooled down.

but that was 4 hours ago,

and I'm still cold.

its very warm out

It's like I was chilled down to my bones

It was just too too much.

I decided today I would say screw you to my diet thing and just eat until I was okay.

really though I should still be okay and on track with it.

the amount of food I ate was a lot compared to what I wanted, but a normal amount to someone eating normally. So I should be good.

I really only decided on one thing; no more dieting while on my period. Periods suck enough with out me fainting and gasping on my bathroom floor covered in my own sweat. Or atleast I'll cut back and eat a little better. No cardio, no wwwaaaaayyyyy.

I don't remember

I just woke up to my dad yelling my name

every letter filled with anger

i few downstairs,

I don't even remember walking

I asked him what

and he told me some story about how we woke me up before to tell me to do the dishes...?

and how I was sitting up and agreed...?

This never happened, I don't remember.

My sister told me it happened too though.

"I sat here and watched you stay completely still. I was afraid you were in a coma or something"

I was so so tired.

I thought my eyes were only closed for a minute.

Now I'm not even hungry.

Bed time at 10.

I hope.

God if only Father doesn't wake me for something else.

How horrible you know?

Waking your kid up to tell them to do something, then screming at them 5 minutes later when it isn't done because

they

are

sleeping!!!!!!

It's sent

I sent him a really long letter,

two pages back and front,

of just everything.

It's like all of my emotions were poured into such a simple thing.

I didn't tell him about the kiss, no.

I'm not sure if I really should.

I'm NOT gonna keep it from him.

But the letters I want to be able how I'm actually feeling and what I'm actually doing or thinking about.

It would be pointless to write such a thing in one because they're so short and no portion of that does he need to read about me not being true to him.

I hope he does understand when he finds out though.

But I told him my dreams,

my interests in photography,

updated him on some friends and myself,

I explained why I didn't send him a letter on his birthday.

And I just, I love him.

With so much of me that it makes my heart laugh and cry at the same time.

I don't care if loving him and being his is going to make my life not normal.

Screw that if normal means no Kyle.

He's MY normal.

I just wish my brain would be so back and forth about this!

I've never done any drugs

once I smoked half a cig when I was drunk.

but it burned my throat and I decided I didn't need that shit.

But I imagine drugs would be amazing.

like the point when you know you're drunk,

and do whatever the fuck you want.

no armed pushups.

and other things of that nature.

In all honestly,

the last time I got drunk scared me,

I don't remember a lot

and I think I threw up on my pillow

and I had to do things with my mom

and lie to her telling her I felt faint when really I was just

badly hung over.

Plus it's just extra calories,

and I really don't need those.

I love when I don't sleep at all because of how funny my body reacts to it.

It'll get dizzy while just staring off into space

and often I pee just as fast as I drank something

I get thirsty and drink 16oz of water in less than a minute

But the best part is,

being able to think odd thoughts at weird hours.

I'm truly a night owl.

that's what I'm at my high point.

I love the wind down,

like a half hour ago I was laying in my bed thinking about how many calories are in a tomato ,

26- medium size.

at 6 something in the morning during summer break.

I'm making my low calorie version of an already low calorie meal ; tomato sandwiches.

For breakfast I'm gonna eat straight cereal (with no milk) ,something like cornflakes,

and with that will be more water and blue&strawberries.

I decided that while I'm at my dads I mine as well eat as best I can.

he's effin loaded any ways.

Then later on I'm gonna run on the treadmill, to work off what I ate, or some of it.

Model thin is not an influence, I don't find it cool, and I don't think people will like me for it.

model thin is more than that.

it's

my

goal

jealously is coming on strong

jealously..God..it's indescribable.

What are you waiting for Christina?

Did you lose your hope?

What's stopping you? You're in the position to speak now. You can converse.

Does a cat have your tongue?

No actually, guilt and confusion does.

Considering you pity kissed a guy on his birthday,

and you have no fucking clue how he even thinks of you.

Does he think of you?

Yes of course, right?

But I wonder if your name bubbles to his lips in simple daily conversation.

Are memories and thoughts of you always floating in his head?

When he stares off into the distance do people ask him "Thinking of Christina again?"?

Probably not, right?

You need to get slapped ,girl, hard.

Or he needs to pour gushy ass stuff all over your face.

Then again, you didn't even send him a letter on his birthday.

You haven't in awhile.

But neither has he. He's only sent one. You've sent three.

You would've sent more if your parents bought stamps.

and on the 24th he said it would be a few days.

and his mom fucking got one so clearly he has time.

Does he think you forgot about him?

Should you just forget about him? it? your feelings in general?

Does he want to forget about you?

Christina, he's going to choose the Army as a career,

he's not fit for anything else.

He doesn't want anything else.

And even though you don't want anyone else.

Maybe you should start,

because even though you love him it's always going to be that over you.

You're not going to be able to live!

You're not going to be able to hold his hand everyday.

He's going to be gone and you're going to be stuck alone,

or even stuck with kids, all by yourself.

Be with him and you're not going to have a normal highschool experience,

not at all. Not even close.

You won't have a normal life either,

the wife eating alone.

You don't know where he's gonna even be.

physically or emotionally.

You're so so young girl.

Why did someone so amazing have to come along so early?

Why did you decide to love at such an age with such a person?

It's about a month until you can see him,

I think.

Or at least a month until he can talk to you.

I just want to cry.

This is the first time. It's been more then a month

I lasted that long.

I've been strong

But now the hurt is just so heavy.

The tears are helping,

they're letting go of the pain.