Sunday, July 31, 2011

HSA #3

I had many happys of the day
there was being able to be the good friend for Zanna
there was hanging out and tanning with my mom at the pool
there was putting a blanket on Cousins past out body and putting his Taco Bell in the fridge
there was walking around my community taking pictures of the beautiful things around me

there wasn't really any sad,
other than how frustrated I got at myself for breaking my ''O'' key on my laptop

the the awkward..
hmm. I suppose that was when I was out taking pictures,
and I was taking a picture of a pinwheel and some creepy old dude got within two feet of me and talked about kids destroying his stuff

Lost Princess?

he ran..

I still can't get over that
even if it was just a dream.

In my dreams I get to be with him...why is there always something wrong?
he's blurry
I don't look at him
he doesn't want me
he loves someone else

Well other than a few :)
There was this dream where we were in a car
we were in the back seat and it was so sunny out
I looked out the window then looked at him
I put my legs over his like I always do
and we just held hands being happy

Now is one of those times where I would cry if he held me.
maybe even if I saw him
heard him.

It's hard,
it really is.
But you know what?
He's Worth It.

Happy Sad Awkward #2

this is for yesterday

My happy was probably talking to Kev. He always makes me happy.
(I have too many Kevins in my life...)
How instantly mad I got once She was there. The one who stole him first. The one who wasn't there for him. My instant hatred and jealousy is saddening to me. She's just a girl after all.
When my mom went on and on about how she's glad I basically don't whore around or whatever because I looked good in my bathing suit. It was funny and odd.

You came home

It was prom night and I was walking home from school
I looked to my side and there you were
I ran for you
everything was blurry,
you were blurry
but about 10 feet away I could see you clearly
you grew a nice beard, like your brothers
and you were holding out a camera that I loved to use in my photography class
you were just smiling at me
I was almost there..
and you look off
I was so confused
I ran after you
It was all playful but all I wanted was to jump into you
I finally caught you and I asked if you were busy that night
and you said yes,
you were going to your grandparents house
but then I said
"What if I told you prom was tonight?"
you sharply replied
"I've already done that stuff, don't you remember?!"
I sat back, hurt. You didn't care about me anymore.
so then I said brokenly
"But this time it's me..."
And I woke up.

Lets get a love fern

lets dance like fools
and sit under the stars
lets go skinny dipping
and buy out a store
lets travel the world
and send cards to family
lets stare into each others eyes every day
and sing love songs
lets hold hands
and buy ice cream in winter
lets wear matching outfits
and tell everyone we're related
lets take pictures
and crash partys
lets make Tuesdays as wonderful as Saturdays
and watch romantic comedies when you screw up
lets discuss books together
and try out sprays at the mall
lets get lost
and dye our hair

Lets spend forever
and never let go.

you promised

oh wow, this girl

she's beautiful.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

It's the best part

the part that wants to just leave.
I don't want to runaway, no.
I want to go to some little town with happy people.
I want a large city with everyone being a bit more strange than the last.

only for a few days,
or a week or two.

This fall I will begin to drive,
and maybe winter break I can take a trip with a friend or something
or I'll just wait for the summer.
I'm getting a job soon enough,
and I won't have much to pay for.
I'm good at saving.
I'll save all school year maybe.
I want to get out and do stuff.

I want to see different states and see new people.
to be able to breath new air
see new skys,
God it would be amazing.
We could rent cheep motels
and party all night
the day could be full of driving
and site seeing
We'll make up our own sites
ask the people what's good to see.

I'll bring my camera and take pictures of everyone and everything.
It will be my trip.
no family
no worries
and it'll be perfect.

SHE was there



i don't know why i dislike her so much

I mean, she DID take his virginity
and they did date for like 8 million years

but i mean,...
there has to be another reason why hate HER so much.

We got married last night

It was a large church
we messed up a few times so We had to restart
I read off this card but I could only understand half
it was the size of a pokemon card and it's lettering was like old english
after the card was read the priest married us
then we were gone
I opened my eyes to fine a small town
gloomy as can be
like the town from Sweeney Todd
and I was in the back of a carriage with him
I don't remember looking at him the entire day
but I knew it was Kyle
there was another man,
and he wanted my heart.
they both battled
but both ran away
I didn't see my husband anymore after that,
well other than his running
But we were still married,
so I found my way around a shop and had fun.

It was such a strange dream.
Though I wish it was real.

Friday, July 29, 2011

I suppose I feel..
jealous and defeated.
jealous because His mom got a letter but I didn't
and that's selfish in a way I guess
I'm jealous of a mother getting a letter from her child.
which makes me feel defeated,
because the second I read that
my heart dropped and the only thing I could think of was
"Where's mine?"
"She must be happy" or "I hope he's doing okay"

defeated more so because I have to wonder
AM I wasting my time?
But I know I'm not..
I always get like this.
It bugs the crap out of me,
the fact that I can't handle this loss of communication.
I need to be reminded of the love...
without it I just feel lost
and I start to question if I'm holding on to nothing
then he calls
then he writes
and it's gone for a few days
But it always comes back
it always does.
and it HURTS
the ache
the needs and wants

I don't need a hug
or a hand
I don't want a kiss
or to be held

I just need to hear those few words
read them.
Process their sweet meaning

"I love you"

HappySadAwkward no.1

So I read this other persons post about how a family does this thing every day and how he twisted that into talking about the "Happy, Sad, and Awkward" of the day I figured I'd give it a try.

Happy- I was chosen to be the helper of a ranting friend who needed someone

Sad- The scale just won't stop saying 130.2
Go down stupid thing. I'm starving myself enough to feed you.

Awkward- The sisters new boyfriend still hasn't warmed up to me. It's like I can't do anything with out him staring at me.
Get a life for your self man.

This little thing could be fun
cleaning my room
helpin a friend
listening to music

I fix my problems fast..

I'm not good enough

I'm not skinny enough
I'm not pretty enough
I'm not interesting enough
not old enough
cool enough
I don't have proper fashion
I'm not interesting enough
I have lame music taste
I have no music taste
I'm not smart enough

I'm not good enough for myself.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I liked being around him

I just like being around Kevin
we went to eat and he just got off and came and talked
it was awesome
it's just something about his presence
he always makes me feel calm in a way
like I almost belong in the group

dumb dumb dumb

im too much
i embarrass myself too much

I wish I could go babysitting

it would be so nice to not worry about the health of Fattie.
I just want to get him everything he needs.

Fuck Man

I don't know what it is.
It's like I'm always flirting with right and wrong
I like to set my limits
then go right up to them and stare them in the eyes
it's like rejecting someone isn't enough
I still have to tease them
can't have me can't have me
Let me show you how amazing I am
let me show you why I'm liked
let me playfully flirt and get distant when you do it
cry little boy, cry your little broken heart out
you still won't get me
you still can't catch me
no no, it's okay
changed my mind
No, it's not okay anymore
sorry to get your hopes up
no wait
no I'm not
I'm a terrible person

Maybe I love it.
Maybe it kills me.

I wish everything didn't have to be a struggle

It's like I can't even breath with out it costing money.
It's not normal for all of this mess just because I need a ride to my dads.
lack of time

"We'll get you over there."
yeah.. but with out questioning if you can pay the bills?

I wish bad things didn't have to happen to good people.
It seems like everytime things are beginning to look up the just get 10 times worse.

when my dog got sick it lead my mom to feel horrible because she couldn't get any christmas gifts for my sisters and I

It was the furnace around Easter

it was the furnace again this last winter

it was the car this summer

it was the washer a week ago

My mom has to feel bad going to the church so we can get food from them...
it degrades her, in a way.
But I think that makes her strong,
accepting there's nothing to do and getting help.
my mom is doing it for us, for me.

I remember Cousin told me once she took me over to dads with her last gas just because she knew she couldn't feed me here...

but the bills are payed eventually
we need the water on for cooking, showering
the power to see, to be able to turn on my bearded dragons heat lamp
we need this house for a place to call home

and even though it's hard
and there's a lot of stress,
we can still all sit around and laugh
talk about our days
be happy.
We're still a family no matter how poor we get at times.
I just wish everything didn't have to be a struggle

Today it's wall paint,

I feel like paint.
something basic,
that everyone has.
something pretty,
something ugly.
Something to make or break something.

paint is scratched up and gets holes.
it's covered up by things that are much more pretty
it's plain
its crazy
it has its good sides and bad sides.
it's white

Paint is limitless
paint is under appreciated.

I should just hide

hide in a small corner
hide from hurt
hide from hurting
hide from everything that will happen
hide from what has
hide hide hide from want and need.

Maybe I'm Sick

it seems
just always ends up at my door step.
and I have to be the crutch
but then It always ends badly
I'm always the one to break it again.

Just stop fucking talking to me

I know you're damaged
you want love
we all fucking do


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

It was Kyles Birthday

Yesterday was the day.
I've been changing,
getting more social.
I invited him over to swim.
getting to know each other.
Little did I know that he was going to screw up everything.

We were all chill,
it was even a little awkward.
We never really talked much.
He came back for dinner.
We held my bearded dragon.



had fun

Then we went on a walk...
I took him to this hill I love to go to.
He told me nearly everything.
His past, present.
He showed me the scars from the belt..
He said I was easy to open up to,
and that he never told so much on the first day of hanging out.

Then he began to cry,
and I wrapped my arms around him.
Comfort, you know.
I let go and he..
he ruined it all.
He said he wanted to date me.
I said things were complicated.
I didn't explain anything about Kyle.

He asked to cuddle and
in that moment
It felt right.
so I did,
and then asked for a kiss.
at first I rejected
but did it anyways.

His kisses were gross.
He didn't know how to kiss NORMAL
he just stuck his tongue out there.
He couldn't even tongue kiss normally.

He was a terrible kisser
And I was terrible for kissing him.

When he left he gave me a hug,
and before I let go he..
he said the stupidest thing.

"I love you"

I told him he shouldn't say that,
and he said he'd hope I'd feel the same way soon.
I knew I wouldn't.
But I just said goodnight and went inside..

The whole time all I could think about was how wrong it all was,
and how I wish it was Kyle's chest I was laying across.
How I don't know what he's gonna think.
does that count as cheating? even though we broke up?

My heart is completely and only for Kyle.

That night I talked to Him and explained how that can never happen
ever again
and how I'm not gonna date him.
How I love Kyle.

He just wouldn't fucking listen.
I don't want him.
But he doesn't have anyone good in his life
and I'd hate to walk away when I could be the good.

But I will not date him.
I wouldn't ever.

Oh now I'm happy.

Blogger wouldn't let me blog for a week or so there,
I was worried I would have to make a new one.
But here we go though ^.^
Now I can. so here come the updates.
is it here?


Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Yesterday I got a letter.
it took 6 days from being in his hands
to being in mine.

What are we dear?

He asked if I could write him everyday so he has something to look forward to.
I'm not sure if it's for MY communication
or if he just wants to look forward to something to do, period.
But I still found it nice.
I miss talking to him.
I mean, he is my best friend too.
So it's not only weird losing my bestfriend,
but my boy friend too,
when we 'broke up' or whatever we did.

Me and my bestfriend like to say Ky and I just 'whatevered'.

It seems like my life is getting back on track now though.
I just can't wait for school, where I won't feel so constantly alone.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

and you know what?

if my last post was a Facebook status,

well I would like it.

I did it.

I didn't let myself be the excuse.

I'm locked in my room.

I did it my self.

I locked myself away from my drunk mom and her current guy.

I locked myself from being around cousin when he drinks.

I'm doing what I want.

What do I want?

To sit here and do nothing. I want to go online and post a blog post. I want to snuggle under my snuggie. I want to think about Kyle while I'm making guy friends online. I want to
and do as I damn well please.

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

Finally not a post about being lostssttt


Not any more, but my stomach still does hurt of my bad mistakes 24 hours ago.
I woke up,
6 AM
body killing me.
Went back and forth between my bed and the bathroom for 4 hours,
then finally,
i got to sleep.
I woke up maybe 40 minutes later,
to get ready to do some things with mom,
so then i died in the car for 2  hours.

hiding it was terrible 

so yeah,
being hung over is terrible.
throwing up shit is the worst.
shitting out gross is disgusting.

remind me to never drink again please?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

is it...?

I just need a little contact
a phone call
an email
a freakin letter

I just need to know if your heart is still there,
if I'm holding onto nothing
If I really am crazy thinking you still have the same feelings

am I?

I'm starting to feel the disconnection.
maybe even physically.
my body hurts,
it has a constant headache,
it travels to my
then to the insides of my thighs
and my
But all over I get random plangs
and sometimes Feel I can't breath
I think I'm getting sick

or is it my body detaching myself from you?
is it letting go of the kisses
is it letting go of the happy thoughts
is it letting go of the feeling of my head on your lap,
and yours in mine
is it letting go of our eye contact
is it letting go of the hugs

i dont want to let go dear
but i will
i still have a lot of shit infront of me

id just rather avoid it,
and be with you

I'm really starting to realize you're a real meat head

but you are
meat head

..atleast...i think you are?

Monday, July 11, 2011

I would give in for you.

I want you to lay next to me,
with cotton pajama pants over your
favorite orange boxers,
I want you to reach over and
trace my body,
with nothing to me but a
small tank top and underwear.
I want to hear the groan in your throat,
and for you to whisper
"I want you so bad"
like every word is special and has it's own story
I want to look in your soul,
and see everything.
And  I want to give in

shes coming soon

im so freakin nervous
im trying to think of things to do
and like
i put on my radio,
for some music

but i dunno if she likes my music

I don't how to handle friends D:
so i may have a social life now
my bestfriend and I started talking
(after a  month of not, my fault)
and made plans today.

first plans of the summer for me.

I've had:
no friends
no phone calls
no run in "hi"s
no going to the mall or some other teen place

Maybe my summer is finally starting the way it's supposed to.

I hope so.

I forget what it's like to have someone to talk to...

Saturday, July 9, 2011


I don't want to be your
to drink anymore.

drink alone


don't drink at all.

oh Dear,


I'm Sick

my mind has ill thoughts
all while my stomach is killing me
I threw up,
Cupcakes don't feel so great coming back.
I'm not sure if It's because I don't feel good,
or if my body is just rejecting crap food.
It did that a few times.
I guess I can understand.
I just don't know if it's mental or physical.

Friday, July 8, 2011

they are..

The shadows are after me
chasing my dark attachment
they want to tear out my heart
rip out my veins
cut off my face
claim my soul as theirs
they want me to shed tears
live in fear
die alone,
let no one know

well there

This morning I was all against the world,
I supposed I still am.

But right now I'm happy.
I had a decent day.
Went walking at 7:30 am,
ran on the treadmill later,
made cupcakes,
spent decent enough time with the Father.

I over all had a good day.
I just hope I can sleep tonight.

too personal


my update

well i

cut my hair

started liking a new music genre

look a bunch of pictures lately

peed myself

I cut my hair because I was in need of a change and hacking at my hair sounded wonderful.
The new music is due to a playlist I found on
The pictures are because I like my face
And I peed myself because I was wondering what it was like. I've been debating it every time I've had to pee the past few weeks. I believe that marks there is something wrong with my insides, but I'll deal with that later. Over all though peeing myself was exactly what I thought it would be and I just cleaned it up and got on with my life thinking about what the hell went wrong with me when it came to the point where peeing myself was an option.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Women can always strip the manliness off Men.

"I love you"
"I love you too"
"how much?"
"don't make me say it, im in a room full of 60 guys."
"how much?!"
"oh come on I can't say mushy stuff"
"How much?"
"a whole lot!"
"so is it 60 guys keeping you from saying mushy stuff or did I fuck up somewhere?''
"the 60 guys" (talks to someone else) "hey whats up?!" he heard me laughing, "yeah that really just happened"
"I love you"
"I love you too" ..... "oh shut up! i dont even care anymore" ..... " I love you so so much"

I need a change

lately the only thing I really write anymore is just my awkward scribbles of half heart break and half hope of the guy I love.
so here's this.

On the third I went to watch fireworks.
I looked up and 
saw the stars 
staring me right in the eyes
So I closed them
and floated all the way to the dark
with the stars
I was beautiful and large
I was mysterious and stunning
I was part of the deep beauty
my arms held stars in them.
Then I opened my eyes,
went back to the ground
I went back to being human then

I've been listening to some playlists lately.

For when I need a cool down

when I want Owl City

just try.
I love the first one.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

oh dear, im happy

when we were talking
he gave the phone to someone else
so they could say "hi"
and when asked
he answered with
"my girlfriend"
or that's atleast that's what I heard.
So is there hope?
or was that just a quick way of explaining me?

I don't need to know right now.
I'm just,
when I say
"I love you"
it sounds so

I love being able to love you.

whats it gonna be


Monday, July 4, 2011

i just get sad

I wish he wouldn't tell me things like
"I'll call tomorrow around this time"
Because then I'm watching the clock all day.
then the time comes,
and I have to be all strong and understanding,
when he doesn't call.
"He'd call if he wasn't busy Christina", I have to tell myself.

which I guess I have to understand more so.
its the Army.
it's the 4th.
it's a bunch of Army guys on the 4th.

Today I was gonna tell him things though.

how he's my home,
no matter where we are

how he's my comfort

how he's the only hand I want to hold

how his ear is the only one I want to whisper "I love you" into.

and I just wanted him to know,
that I never even tried to stop loving him.
that my hearts still there.

And that I don't and won't want anyone else.

and I wanted to ask if he'd wait with me too..

so my friend told me

it's not a good idea to post your feelings or whatever on the internet

and I'm all

bullshit man

because in all honesty, a few quick lines every once in awhile keeps me sane,
on my toes.

So I write.
Fuck you if  you don't like it.

and if someone I knows finds it?
fuck em'. they can get to know me better.

and it's the forth

where are the



lets run away.
Canada remember?