Sunday, September 4, 2011

I wonder

if anyone else yearns for the silence after having family over
or just any time really
If they wait, 
and plan
just for that perfect moment of just themselves. 
Just me. 
me and a book
a notebook
my laptop
a movie.
I crave the loneliness,
but when it stays too long I get sad
it stops being my warm blanket,
or my big sweatshirt  
it stops being those few moments of just me and the music.
It turn into 
When will they care?
do I matter?
did I ever matter?
it stops being the happiness of alone,
and turns into the sadness of that lack of drive
it begins to burn the edges of the best of me,
that can only be put out with love.
it starts the anger
the frustration of myself
of everyone around me
Does anyone understand?
will they?
I don't even understand.
I start to feel anxious.
did i send the right letter?
should I have said that?
when will they come? the people? 
is there something wrong with me?
when will I find someone to share in the oddness?
what happened to me?
when did I lose it?
when did I take it back?
is it back?
i think it's back
as I am
I'm back.
I'm okay
the inner me is out
the messy hair
"I don't give a damn" attitude is there
a little of the care,
and love
it back.
But I'm still stuck in the middle of good and bad lonely 
I'm still anxious and think bad thoughts
but I'm more calm,
more accepting of where I am and where I'll be.
I guess I'm just



  1. I
    ever have
    to ask for
    it is
    just there.

  2. I wish mine was.
    then it would be the normal.