Sunday, September 4, 2011

now after 3 weeks

I finally got to talk to Kyle.
our voices together..magic.
I told him about my dream, and he just said
"it's funny to hear I'm running away now when before your dreams of us were happy ones"
he accused me of having emotional problems.
insecurities I suppose
I told him he was right.

He said
"you know in a few days it'll be what? 10 monthes? i can't count..what is it?"
I choked. I stopped breathing. I stammered.
I said
"I..I didn't think we were together...this whole summer I've just been thinking we were technically broken up"
and he's been fucking sitting there counting the months.
but he took that light heatedly and agreed.
he said we didn't have to count the two months.
I said
"we can.. I'd just be a really bad girlfriend if so"
"how bad? like on a scale of 1 to 10?"
"I don't know, 11, I feel horrible. I feel so guilty."
"it's complicated, i didn't want to. I don't want to talk about it"
"we promised we wouldn't hold anything back from eachother"
"do you remember Aaron from our bus? well he came over, and starting telling me all this emotional stuff and started crying and we.....kissed and stuff.."
"And stuff?"
"We just kissed, it was nothing more"
"it's okay"
"I'm so sorry Ky, I feel so horrible."
"why did you kiss him?"
"I thought if I tried someone new it would stop me from feeling so lonely"

He told me that I should live my life how I wanted to, to not let him hold me back. but that he'd love to be in my life.
he said
"You know why we broke up, those few things. I was fucking crazy and worried about losing you, and I'd be gone. not there. I'm still not there Christina, that still hasn't changed. The reasons still haven't changed. I'm a different person now. this place has changed me. I'm still myself but I'm changed."
the way he kept saying he wasn't here
I cried
i didn't let him know that tears were falling down my cheek, getting the phone wet, falling on my thighs.
I just said
"why does that have to matter?"
"It does matter. it matters to you."
"It did"

It's like he doesn't realize that I just want him.
I told him over and over
I only want him
it's always been him
I only love him
I've only loved him. always.

It's like he's trying to scare me away from a relationship.
Like he thinks the distance will get rid of the way I feel.

I only need his voice
his love.

After tonight I just wonder if he still needs me.

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