I talked to Ian today

he told me he was coming back from wheeever the fuck he is away next weekend
and asked what we said while he was drunk

I'm super excited to have him back. I just want him in my life.
and when he asked this is how it went
"so I know we talked the other night but i don't remember what I said, what did we talk about?"
"oh i dont want to tell you that"
-silence-
"we just talked about um, mutual feelings and stuff"
"huh?"
"mutual feelings..."
"feelings about what?"
"just never mind Ian if you don't remember then you don't need to know. i just want us to be friends"
-silence-
-getting back to normal conversation-

I hope he gets over it fast.
but I wish he remembered, because I liked a lot of the things he had said.
I wonder if he meant them?
did he mean to say he only wanted me, that I make him happy?
or was that just somehow funny to him at the time, while his brain was distracted with vodka.
I never thought about that.
But I guess he's been thinking about it awhile though, because he told me a few days ago that he needed to talk to me, and that's what it was about.
I miss him, as a person.
I wish I could make him happy, but it's better for us to be bestfriends rather than date for a month and not talk or something horrible.
It's not that I fear things wouldn't work out, because I don't need to fear, I already know. He's too old for my parents to handle, and he wouldn't provide the kind of affection I would need.
And I'm not really that attracted to him,
like I could never imagine us hardcore making out or having sex.
like I could with Kyle, but we haven't got to sex yet..
virgin eyes for me.
I think I'm just going to go with Kyle. I know he's not here, but he will be eventually.
Things will work out for us.
because we're Us.