I wonder

if anyone else yearns for the silence after having family over

or just any time really

If they wait, 

and plan

just for that perfect moment of just themselves. 

Just me. 

me and a book

a notebook

my laptop

a movie.

I crave the loneliness,

but when it stays too long I get sad

it stops being my warm blanket,

or my big sweatshirt  

it stops being those few moments of just me and the music.

It turn into 

When will they care?

do I matter?

did I ever matter?

it stops being the happiness of alone,

and turns into the sadness of that lack of drive

it begins to burn the edges of the best of me,

that can only be put out with love.

it starts the anger

the frustration of myself

of everyone around me

Does anyone understand?

will they?

I don't even understand.

I start to feel anxious.

did i send the right letter?

should I have said that?

when will they come? the people? 

is there something wrong with me?

when will I find someone to share in the oddness?

what happened to me?

when did I lose it?

when did I take it back?

is it back?

i think it's back

me

as I am

I'm back.

I'm okay

the inner me is out

the messy hair

the 

"I don't give a damn" attitude is there

a little of the care,

and love

it back.

But I'm still stuck in the middle of good and bad lonely 

I'm still anxious and think bad thoughts

but I'm more calm,

more accepting of where I am and where I'll be.

I guess I'm just

here