HSA #3

I had many happys of the day

there was being able to be the good friend for Zanna

there was hanging out and tanning with my mom at the pool

there was putting a blanket on Cousins past out body and putting his Taco Bell in the fridge

there was walking around my community taking pictures of the beautiful things around me

there wasn't really any sad,

other than how frustrated I got at myself for breaking my ''O'' key on my laptop

the the awkward..

hmm. I suppose that was when I was out taking pictures,

and I was taking a picture of a pinwheel and some creepy old dude got within two feet of me and talked about kids destroying his stuff

Lost Princess?

he ran..

I still can't get over that

even if it was just a dream.

In my dreams I get to be with him...why is there always something wrong?

he's blurry

I don't look at him

he doesn't want me

he loves someone else

Well other than a few :)

There was this dream where we were in a car

we were in the back seat and it was so sunny out

I looked out the window then looked at him

I put my legs over his like I always do

and we just held hands being happy

Now is one of those times where I would cry if he held me.

maybe even if I saw him

heard him.

It's hard,

it really is.

But you know what?

He's Worth It.

Happy Sad Awkward #2

this is for yesterday

Happy-

My happy was probably talking to Kev. He always makes me happy.

(I have too many Kevins in my life...)

Sad-

How instantly mad I got once She was there. The one who stole him first. The one who wasn't there for him. My instant hatred and jealousy is saddening to me. She's just a girl after all.

Awkward-

When my mom went on and on about how she's glad I basically don't whore around or whatever because I looked good in my bathing suit. It was funny and odd.

You came home

It was prom night and I was walking home from school

I looked to my side and there you were

I ran for you

everything was blurry,

you were blurry

but about 10 feet away I could see you clearly

you grew a nice beard, like your brothers

and you were holding out a camera that I loved to use in my photography class

you were just smiling at me

I was almost there..

and you look off

I was so confused

I ran after you

It was all playful but all I wanted was to jump into you

I finally caught you and I asked if you were busy that night

and you said yes,

you were going to your grandparents house

but then I said

"What if I told you prom was tonight?"

you sharply replied

"I've already done that stuff, don't you remember?!"

I sat back, hurt. You didn't care about me anymore.

so then I said brokenly

"But this time it's me..."

And I woke up.

Lets get a love fern

lets dance like fools

and sit under the stars

lets go skinny dipping

and buy out a store

lets travel the world

and send cards to family

lets stare into each others eyes every day

and sing love songs

lets hold hands

and buy ice cream in winter

lets wear matching outfits

and tell everyone we're related

lets take pictures

and crash partys

lets make Tuesdays as wonderful as Saturdays

and watch romantic comedies when you screw up

lets discuss books together

and try out sprays at the mall

lets get lost

and dye our hair

Lets spend forever

and never let go.

you promised

oh wow, this girl

she's beautiful.

It's the best part

the part that wants to just leave.

I don't want to runaway, no.

I want to go to some little town with happy people.

I want a large city with everyone being a bit more strange than the last.

only for a few days,

or a week or two.

This fall I will begin to drive,

and maybe winter break I can take a trip with a friend or something

or I'll just wait for the summer.

I'm getting a job soon enough,

and I won't have much to pay for.

I'm good at saving.

I'll save all school year maybe.

I want to get out and do stuff.

I want to see different states and see new people.

to be able to breath new air

see new skys,

God it would be amazing.

We could rent cheep motels

and party all night

the day could be full of driving

and site seeing

We'll make up our own sites

ask the people what's good to see.

I'll bring my camera and take pictures of everyone and everything.

It will be my trip.

no family

no worries

and it'll be perfect.

SHE was there

GAH

SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE AROUND HERE

GAH

i don't know why i dislike her so much

I mean, she DID take his virginity

and they did date for like 8 million years

but i mean,...

there has to be another reason why hate HER so much.

We got married last night

It was a large church
and
we messed up a few times so We had to restart
I read off this card but I could only understand half
it was the size of a pokemon card and it's lettering was like old english
after the card was read the priest married us
then we were gone
I opened my eyes to fine a small town
gloomy as can be
like the town from Sweeney Todd
and I was in the back of a carriage with him
I don't remember looking at him the entire day
but I knew it was Kyle
there was another man,
and he wanted my heart.
they both battled
but both ran away
I didn't see my husband anymore after that,
well other than his running
But we were still married,
so I found my way around a shop and had fun.

It was such a strange dream.
Though I wish it was real.

I suppose I feel..
jealous and defeated.
jealous because His mom got a letter but I didn't
and that's selfish in a way I guess
I'm jealous of a mother getting a letter from her child.
which makes me feel defeated,
because the second I read that
my heart dropped and the only thing I could think of was
"Where's mine?"
not,
"She must be happy" or "I hope he's doing okay"

defeated more so because I have to wonder
AM I wasting my time?
But I know I'm not..
I always get like this.
It bugs the crap out of me,
the fact that I can't handle this loss of communication.
I need to be reminded of the love...
without it I just feel lost
and I start to question if I'm holding on to nothing
then he calls
then he writes
and it's gone for a few days
But it always comes back
it always does.
and it HURTS
the ache
the needs and wants

I don't need a hug
or a hand
I don't want a kiss
or to be held

I just need to hear those few words
read them.
Process their sweet meaning

"I love you"

HappySadAwkward no.1

So I read this other persons post about how a family does this thing every day and how he twisted that into talking about the "Happy, Sad, and Awkward" of the day I figured I'd give it a try.

Happy- I was chosen to be the helper of a ranting friend who needed someone

Sad- The scale just won't stop saying 130.2

Go down stupid thing. I'm starving myself enough to feed you.

Awkward- The sisters new boyfriend still hasn't warmed up to me. It's like I can't do anything with out him staring at me.

Get a life for your self man.

This little thing could be fun

cleaning my room

helpin a friend

listening to music

I fix my problems fast..

I'm not good enough

I'm not skinny enough

I'm not pretty enough

I'm not interesting enough

not old enough

cool enough

I don't have proper fashion

I'm not interesting enough

I have lame music taste

I have no music taste

I'm not smart enough

I'm not good enough for myself.

I liked being around him

I just like being around Kevin

we went to eat and he just got off and came and talked

it was awesome

it's just something about his presence

he always makes me feel calm in a way

like I almost belong in the group

dumb dumb dumb

im too much

i embarrass myself too much

I wish I could go babysitting

it would be so nice to not worry about the health of Fattie.

I just want to get him everything he needs.

blah.

Fuck Man

I don't know what it is.

It's like I'm always flirting with right and wrong

I like to set my limits

then go right up to them and stare them in the eyes

it's like rejecting someone isn't enough

I still have to tease them

can't have me can't have me

Let me show you how amazing I am

let me show you why I'm liked

let me playfully flirt and get distant when you do it

cry little boy, cry your little broken heart out

you still won't get me

you still can't catch me

no no, it's okay

changed my mind

No, it's not okay anymore

sorry to get your hopes up

no wait

no I'm not

I'm a terrible person

Maybe I love it.

Maybe it kills me.

I wish everything didn't have to be a struggle

It's like I can't even breath with out it costing money.

It's not normal for all of this mess just because I need a ride to my dads.

lack of time

gas

money

"We'll get you over there."
yeah.. but with out questioning if you can pay the bills?

I wish bad things didn't have to happen to good people.

It seems like everytime things are beginning to look up the just get 10 times worse.

when my dog got sick it lead my mom to feel horrible because she couldn't get any christmas gifts for my sisters and I

It was the furnace around Easter

it was the furnace again this last winter

it was the car this summer

it was the washer a week ago

My mom has to feel bad going to the church so we can get food from them...

it degrades her, in a way.

But I think that makes her strong,

accepting there's nothing to do and getting help.

my mom is doing it for us, for me.

I remember Cousin told me once she took me over to dads with her last gas just because she knew she couldn't feed me here...

but the bills are payed eventually

we need the water on for cooking, showering

the power to see, to be able to turn on my bearded dragons heat lamp

we need this house for a place to call home

and even though it's hard

and there's a lot of stress,

we can still all sit around and laugh

talk about our days

be happy.

We're still a family no matter how poor we get at times.

I just wish everything didn't have to be a struggle

Today it's wall paint,

I feel like paint.

something basic,

that everyone has.

something pretty,

something ugly.

Something to make or break something.

paint is scratched up and gets holes.

it's covered up by things that are much more pretty

it's plain

its crazy

it has its good sides and bad sides.

it's white

black

red

orange

yellow

Paint is limitless

paint is under appreciated.